cross.roads

ashamed of my absence on my own site:(...bad very bad...

2008-08-19T16:49:00.002-04:00

I just looked at the last entry...almost a year ago, shame, shame on me...what happened?
Relationships - is a simple and plain answer. When they are good, they take up all your time, when they are bad, they take up all your time as well...can we win?

so maybe I can try to be a bit better...and learn to devote a little time to myself from now one, no matter the relationship or no relationship...

for this short restarter post, I will leave a little bit of writting I've had as of last...
just this and that about thing that I happen to pick up on the cross-roads in my life!

"we shared a path to the coffee fountain,
while we exchanged the dreams of night passed
we talk of all things
meaningful or not
to make the experience last

you said 'i'm going to set the fire to your mother'
...the words were funny, but the idea not,
but all that matters it that we see
beauty in each other

thank you for being my friend and for your friendship, a precious gift
a place of refuge, of fun - a land of raw and precious possibilities
this friendship was, will be and is, is, is, is..."

I'll be back.

....walking my footsteps again....

2007-09-24T10:30:00.000-04:00

...what about life....life goes on as it has always gone....
somedays I choose to wake up and wonder how incredibly rich and "potent" life is
all these emotions that it throws at us
without the regard if we're ready for them or not
without regard if we can tolerate the pressure
without the regard if we can handle the happiness
sometimes without the regard for anything at all
but then again life isn't a person
it doesn't have to have a regard for anything
life, time and universe are one and the same
and somewhere in the middle are little we
with an even more little me

i've had it so rich lately
so up and down lately
so thinking and trying to mend
so afraid to loose
so not ready to understand what i'm facing
so feeling at the same time that that is what i want
so not being able to understand what the other person is feeling like
so not being able to interpret what am i to do in a situation
so appreciative of the richness of emotions that the life is giving me
so not completely maybe being able to save what's saveable
so not understanding where i am going wrong
so not understanding what is wrong to begin with
listening to peoples advice
loosing myself in all their advice
trying to hear my own faint voice in the loud noises around me

but it is what it is
i don't really know what it is
but for now i feel i want to rest
i put all of myself out there
or maybe i didn't maybe i wasn't pushed to the limit
but i think i did the best
heart digging that i could find in myself
i came up with the answers
i voiced myself
i heard myself
i don't know if anyone else heard me
and now i want to dwell on it
let it sit
look at it
let it be forgotten for awhile
until i'm ready or willing to do anything about it
again!

here's a nice song that has an even more beautiful mellody
if you get a chance, listen to it, words are nice, but the music is even nicer:

By Foo Fighters

"On The Mend"

One more day that i've survived
Another night alone
Pay no mind I'm doing fine
I'm breathing on my own
I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend

Wake me when the hour arrives
Wake me with my name
See you somewhere down the line
We're teathered once again

I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend

Was it you?
Sat alone
Here we go
Close your eyes and stay a while
To take me where you go
Single file we walk the mile
Who's wandering back home

I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend

Was it you?
Sat alone
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go

[Thanks to gallenkamp@bytethinker.de for correcting these lyrics][ www.azlyrics.com ]

so it's been a long time!

2007-09-13T11:30:00.000-04:00

It hasn't been quite a year, but it's been a long time. Lot's of things have happened and I went on vacation again. And I'm guilty of haven't posted any pictures here or on the Flickr, but I will slowly correct myself.
In short:
I'm in my third semester in School, Marymount University, to get my Master's of Interior Design Degree. I only have 1-1/2 years left...(he he a long and a short time),
I will have been at my present work for 2 years on October 3rd, it will have been the longest job I've held in any one place so far (tells you volumes of my work history:))
I've gotten Rosetta Stone to learn Italian and so far in 3 months I have successfully looked at Lesson #1:) it was amazing ha ha ha...I'm such a slacker.
I went on vacation with a very good friend of mine, to visit my mom in Latvia, visit friends in Norway, Oslo, visit friends in Prague and visit my dad and a great friend in Bulgaria. It was a great vacation. One I would take again without hesitation.
I have a friend (I think I can count him as a boyfriend now) since we kind of talked about it. But he's a very sweet guy, but we have a lot of things to learn about together. I like him A LOT.
What else:) I'm exploring new music venues. I have good people in my life who are willing to share their music with me and keep my musical life interesting.

Here are the words from the group I found yesterday and so far I like them a whole lot. I'm on my third round of listening to their CD this morning. This song felt expecially good to listen to, here are the words:

By Thirteen Senses

Call Someone-

Call someone
Tell them how you feel
Call someone and tell them what you think is wrong
Beat the ground
Show it how you feel
Show it all the ways that you've been taught to feel

And the bigger you are
The harder you fall
You just need to call and let someone know
And the faster you think
Is the time that you'll need just to say hello

Waste some time
Trying not to breath
Trying to be heard in all of everything
Change of hearts
Change it how you feel
Call someone and let them know how good you feel

And the bigger you are
The harder you fall
You just need to call and let someone know
And the faster you think
Is the time that you'll need just to say hello

And nothing ever happens
And nothing ever fits
But your keeping up with it
Gonna take one more connection
One that you fit and make use of it

And the bigger you are
The harder you fall
You just need to call and let someone know
And the faster you think
About doing it is the time that you'll need

things that can be "quite frustrating"

2007-03-18T17:19:00.000-04:00

so diverging my attention from red lines for a minute or two i started wonder about things that can be frustrating...coincidentally i've exchanged a recent txt msg with a friend who also found similar things frustrating...and also brought on by a songs i'm listening ....

i haven't quite made the top 10 list of things that are frustrating, but i'd say judging by the time and hurt that each of us experiences here is the list topper:

1. being attracted to someone who doesn't feel the same way about you
2. trying to communicate with that someone who doesn't share your feelings and not getting any response:)
3. to have email and phone only to be driven crazy by their silence...

ok other more everyday things that are quite frustrating:)

4. having a sore nose from bumping accidentally into a friend while dancing:)
5. having a sore body from dancing too vigorously on a friday nite:)
6. having too short of a weekend to recuperate from exhausted body syndrome
7. having to come to work over the weekend and not feeling like working
8. having the cold winter still linger around and not give spring a chance
9. not making enough effort to go and look at art when i've got so many museums around
10. being lazy and not having finished one book on the last month

things that are quite good:

life:)..disregard all the nuisance before:)...life is wonderful....I'm telling u...

5 chocolate candies later...

2007-02-19T21:30:00.000-05:00

well here I am, i looked 11 days since last posting...throat feeling a little icky again...what is going on this winter season? seems after many years of fairly normal cold seasons, this has been the worst in terms of returning colds and symptoms. I am on my first antibiotic pack this winter season, yet seems like the cold never really went away, it always keeps the foot in the door upon departure to kick it wide open week and a half later....weird things and I'm drinking my vitamin C religiously so what the heck....

work was hectic today not in a sense of too many different errands more like one intense, which i finished by 6.00p.m...
tomorrow morning i have to attack another one which is due by wednesday 5.00p.m. cutting very close to my reunion with really "old" friends:) which will be at 6.00p.m .in Bethesda.
Sometimes it seems the age doesn't matter - friends are friends. My dear co-worker from 2 jobs ago returned for a visit from czech republic and I'm definitelly heading out to drink a toast to him and his czech experiance. There are people that are just plain fun to be around and Joe is one of such people, a tall 60 year old giant:) with huge wide smile....he could swing you over the tree top with his powerful golf stroke, yet he talks to you like your opinion matters:)..sometimes it is funny for me when I know I still have to learn and learn and learn...and I'm grateful to be allowed to participate in the "old/ wiseones" talk.

Oh I'm selling my golden bicycle. I've finally concluded that it is a bit too big for me...I never felt quite comfortable stopping on it, without having to jump off of it and that is no fun. So I hope I can find it a good new owner, plus I think I'll be doing more tennis and sun-tanning this coming summer then bicycling:)...since now I'm close to tennis courts and a pool...(imaginary plunge in the shallow end of the pool):):):) afraid of the deep dark waters:).....

Things that still hold true this winter season:):
1. no steady relationship:)...he he he...but going steady for divorce
2. still have a sweet tooth (broke down and had a whole bunch of Latvian chocolate candy....so much for south beach diet:)...puh
3. bills....still scary... but maybe being fiscally challenged is my nature?
4. still love music...someone please burn me a Jay-Z..."Kingdom Come"....pls....
5. semi addict to sudoku game....getting consistently better...
6. liking my teacher in school....Panama has pretty and smart women:)...
7. realizing that I'm blessed in so many ways....friends, health (besides little hick-ups like cold)...money, job, life in general...
8. still don't know how to handle sharp objects....which accounts for my new deep cut in my thumb...ouch:)
9. still a night owl....can't make it to bed before 1.00a.m. like never...
10. can't wait to have a good dance party:)....iiihaaa...

posting a thought for it not to get lost...

2007-02-08T15:19:00.001-05:00

...affection is a two way street. one minute you might feel rejected or accepted, but you should realize that you have the power to accept or reject anyone you want as well. don't think all the power, decision making is in the hand of other people...

...to lower my standards

2007-02-02T17:09:00.000-05:00

...and what are they anyways. (i guess i only right in this thing during the two weeks right after my period:) when the tectonic hormone shift is happening in my body and i get extra sensitive and sappy to the whole world for no reason. and then the 2 weeks before next period the hormones shift again and the whole world is the happiest place to be in again....so anyways)...

...talking about the compatibility and relationships with people...i mentioned a well know fact to couple co-workers that it seems that people you would never imagine to be attracted to are attracted to you and are insisting on your attention, yet the people you really want to be involved with pay no attention whatsoever...and i just realized that for unreachable people i'm probably in the same category as where i'm putting people that i don't want the attention from....

...my co-worker said "why don't you lower your standards"? what should my response be?:)
...if i lower my "standards" then that makes me unhappy!... but do i really have such high standards?...is it called a standard? ...i know i've been shaped by my culture and upbringing and influences in my life to be attracted to certain type of face, certain type of attitude, certain type of character and behavior....and for now i can't seem to break that...that's what i like and that's what i'm attracted to...
...is the opposite way - to meet a person and have a conversation and not like them and keep trying to like them? no right?...are all of us wishing for too much when we want to have an easy conversation and finishing each other's sentences and thinking alike? is that called having too high of a standard for the opposite sex?

"white flag"

2007-01-29T18:43:00.000-05:00

...i'm tying a white flag on my vessel of navigation through my life...i will take break for a while from trying to understand why things happen and if there is reason or no reason behind them... i'll try to look at things for what they are...for a while:)...i'll try to behave based on what i feel is write and good for me and others inter-related to me and see where things go from there...

...still struggling with a dry cough...but nothing too bad...weekend was good, quite good:)...i got to go out with people i like and have a good time...and within limits i was able to monitor my intake of alcohol:)...experimenting with white wine one night (will not do that again) and then amstel light (seemed to suit me much better) trying to find the perfect blend of getting a pleasant disposition and having fun...
...house party was nice...i got to shake my booty:)...and the music was nice... and i got to meet new nice people...
week so far is going well...hopefully my balcony door will get installed tomorrow morning finally - without delay of snow or rain...got 3 new cd's for my ipod today from a friend...
...must do a load of laundry tonight...running out of warm socks for this cold winter season to wear:)....other then that...things are swell!!!

simple known truths

2007-01-22T22:02:00.000-05:00

..i received an email today from a person who is dear to me and even thought the email was polite in content it brought a thought to my mind that we should always treat other people with kindness and honesty and in general treat them better then you would want to be treated in the same situation (this is especially true in relationships with some or well understood inclination of "boy/girl-friend or dating" scenario)....because if you're mean to someone inevitably (and i'm close to framing this idea as fundamental cornerstone of human action/ reaction) the action will always return back to the "initiator". i know that most of you are well aware of this already in their lives, i'm only reminding this to myself because time to time certain well known truths - learned and maybe slightly forgotten but by no means unknown - return to me and jump in front and remind me to stick to them and not to push them aside for later use. .....

....i was walking home today and i realized that i could be so very impulsive, and there are times that it is probably necessary - like in the parties or on the dance floor, but inevitably the impulsiveness and the ruggedness of the emotion scares people whom it is shown in all it's force....i guess it's a good rule to do everything in life in moderation? but why? it is so nice to receive spur of the moment things, ideas, gifts, letters, notes, confessions and attention - this can't come just from moderation in life. don't these actions spring forth from the impulses in us and such impulses should be cherished?...maybe the other truth is that if you scare someone with the openness of your impulse..it means they're not ready to receive it...they're not open...well plain they're not the same wavelength and i guess that should be used as a good measure to understand who's got the same spirit and life-love as you.....

...i think people love their life in different ways...or it could be called a habit?...some are not used to surprises, some thrive on surprises, some have it all planned, some don't know what they'll eat for lunch let alone dinner...etc...personalities? expectations? culture? upbringing? open-mindedness?....so on and so on...

ok..it's time for my homework:
i need to find definitions relating to architecture for following 10 words:

frozen, overwhelming, limitless, distorted, enchanted, dramatic, craftsmanship, tortured, massive, religious....

things happening for a reason?

2007-01-17T23:10:00.000-05:00

I really want to stick to this belief that things happen in our lives for a reason, otherwise this life has too many questions and not enough answers. I'm scared to believe that everything in life is a big chance and circumstance...it would mean that too many important things in life are left up to a chance. It would mean too many important relationships could have not happened if I was a minute early or a minute too late somewhere, somehow. I am scared in general about what I am basing my belief system on. I put faith in my parents, but I saw that they have faults and I couldn't feel secure in relying on them. I tried to rely on religion, but then after a certain point too many questions arose that didn't have answers and too many people had too many ideas about religion and it's goodness and purpose, so that didn't seem to be reliable. I tried to rely on my partner for life, yet faults (and now I see that not necessarily his alone but mine as well) kept arising and battering my faith in the unison of two people. I tried relying on the friends (and this one isn't absolutelly prooved to not be working) because I have some good friends in my life that have helped me in hard times, yet they have their own lives and after a good advice and a supporting shoulder they will recede to their place of peace and comfort. More frequently then not I return to the thought that a person should find happiness within and not put their faith and source of happiness in noone else but themselves. But either I'm not at the self fulfillment level yet where I could see how this statement is true or I am sad and afraid to realize and accept that this statement could be true. That there wouldn't be anything and anyone in this world in whom and what we could put unconditionally our faith and thoughts into and receive and unwavering guarantee that it will be there for us. That it will understand us and console us. That it will support us and guide us in our moment of weekness or pat us on the back in our walk of victory. I can strive to go towards a goal where I can be self fulfilling and seek for happiness within, but I am not perfect and never will be, so is it not an error in itself, to rely and seek happiness in myself...who is not perfect and ever-questioning and seeking. Right now it feels incredibly lonely to put all of my hope in myself:)...it sounds funny:)...but I guess what else is there for us....even from all the 6 and more billion people, how come there is noone or nothing else I can rely for happiness but myself. An endless sea of people yet no-one to look for answers but myself?...a statistic just popped in my head...that January is the month with the highest suicide rate....I wonder if other people are pondering similar thoughts to mine in this "blue" month and having found no answers, venture to call it quits and wait for no answers and erase themselves from the race of finding the anwers to millions of questions about everything that this life is and is not...

on the road to recovery...

2007-01-14T00:41:00.000-05:00

My "first" day back at work after 2 days of laying in bed....didn't feel so great, but I stuck with it. I think tomorrow will probably be better. And after that I hope I can gear up for a full strength spring and summer season:)...no more illnesses here please. I think this is probably the second most used phrase in the world, but there is nothing or next to nothing more important then your health - while living anyways. There is nothing else to do if there is no health....OK got that out...

talked to BD tonight and found out that almost everyone attended the B-Day party for Matrix yesterday. And it made me smile, how I manage to miss out always when almost "everyone" attends the party:)...I think it is fate or luck or just pure everything happens for a reason...type of circumstance that makes me not show up at the places at the times when there are people that I don't really have anything else to talk about to.

On the same yet another note....I think I make myself too open to the people I like....and people start taking me for granted. I need to keep my reigns tight on this issue, otherwise my pages are being smeared with all kinds of passers by who are curious to peak in yet have nothing valuable to write in my diary and it is getting annoying. I know I am better then that. I know I am smarter then that, so why do I not act that way? No prior experience in posturing myself in this role.
Tomorrow's Sunday, I'm so glad because I have a schedule yet I don't feel like I have to be places at a certain time, I can play it by ear and be late or early at my own will.
Life is still beautiful:) especially on Sunday mornings.....I wish I could get a clear signal to call my dad, I should really call him...

Sick Days

2007-01-12T10:39:00.000-05:00

It finally caught up with me...flu. Three small letters that make you feel so miserable. I am so getting a flu shot next year. And I would have gotten one this year if it wasn't for my own stupidity wanting to safe $25.00 and my arrogance that I never really get that sick. Well turns out I can get that sick. My body has dictated its own rules and decided its is time to stay at home and rest and be sick. I am on my 13th linden tea cup in day and a half and countless glasses of water. But the cough won't subside. I sweat like crazy last night, partially due to the fact that I bundled myself in the blankets like crazy and probably also because my body was doing its own thing.
I have a blood lesion in my right eye which scared me almost to fainting when I first saw it, but after talking to couple people I found out it is normal. I must have blown one of the small arteries under my eye from nose blowing or heavy coughing. I hope it goes away in a day or two, because I look a bit like a vampire with one almost red eyeball and one still white eyeball:)...the good thing is I can still see.....yes that's a very good thing.
I have also missed 2 days of work, which is not a very good thing. I will have to go in tomorrow and Sunday to finish my portion of the project which is due on Tuesday. I guess I was going to go into work anyways Sat. Sunday so in a way instead of 4 consecutive days at work I'll get two and then the Monday begins again.
I have been waiting for a phone call but I don't think he will call. And I guess everything in life happens for a reason. Some of us think their ready for something but probably are not ready (that would be me)...some of us are not ready for anything period. Some of us are focused in different direction which is good for their future. So like I said everyone is doing their own thing and probably that is the best for them at this point in their life.
I wish my two movies would come today so that I have a little entertainment in my sick time. I really need to be on my two feet tomorrow and get back into life. I don't like being sick...and who does?

12 min to Friday

2007-01-04T23:43:00.000-05:00

it is a late Thursday nite. And I am ready, really ready to go to bed. It has been a long day...nothing particularly exhausting but non the less a long day. Tomorrow is Friday and after that Saturday and Sunday:)...the best days of the week. And the first week of 2007 will be over. I wonder if it still counts that the way you spend your first day you'll spend the rest of the year:) does it apply to the first week as well?...
well to find out here is a bit of chinese prediction for this coming year....for the year of pig itself and for each of the sign:)...

Chinese New Year in 2007 is the Year of the Red Fire Pig. The year of the pig ends the 12 year cycle of the Chinese zodiac. Like the houses of the zodiac, the animals of Chinese astrology are said to influence your luck during the year. Your horoscopes for 2007, the year of the pig, depends on which animal signifies the year you were born.
Pigs are said to be very good matches for tigers and sheep, but do not get along well with snakes and monkeys. Other pigs, rabbits, horses, oxen, rats, roosters, dogs and dragons can make good companions, but the relationships are not always smooth or long lasting.
Babies born in the year of the pig are fortunate and make good partners in life. The pig is modest, sometimes quick to anger but also quick to learn and hard working. Their ability to see things through brings success in business and personal affairs.
If you aren't sure which animal ruled the year that you were born this list will help. To get more specific information and learn more about what the omens are for your future in the New Year, check out related links of interest and find out what else the animals of fortune predict for you in 2007.
Here are a few general conclusions from the opinions of the sages...

Pig : 1911, 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007With the 2006 year of preparation behind them, those born in a pig year finally come into the full energy of their own sign. With all of the patient pig's attention to detail and hard work, the table has been set for this banquet year and pigs will enjoy sharing the feast with their family, friends and business associates. This will be a lucky year — with prosperity coming from success in business but also from unexpected money. Good fortune in 2007 is ahead for romantic adventures. A marriage for the pig this year is blessed with good omens. Family, always important to the pig, will be well taken care of and the home ruled by the pig will enjoy harmony and good fortune. Old business will be successful and new ventures will be fortunate.
Rat : 1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008The clever rat will do well to spend this year planning for the beginning of the next twelve year cycle. This cycle has been a bit difficult, but starting with the rat year in 2008, plans should start to succeed. This year of the Pig is a good time to be with friends and family who are celebrating the fullness of the year. Take care of old business and tie up loose ends that might get in the way of your coming good fortune. Enjoy vacations and hobbies this year. You will need to be well rested when your year begins.
Ox : 1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997 The year of the hard working pig brings good fortune for the ox. The energy is there to get more done and this brings prosperity and success to the sturdy ox. Just remember that this is also a year of celebration. The ox should not become so busy with work that he misses the invitation to the banquet table. It is there that new opportunities will be discovered. The ox should take care to include time for romance in this year's busy work schedule.
Tiger : 1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998 The wild tiger prospered in the year of the dog and the pig will not change your good fortune. Be more cautious this year. The pig invites the tiger to the party, but the guest may find it too easy to spend more than is wise — especially in the early year when the influence of the tiger sign raises the energy. The pouncing tiger must control the urge to jump and learn to walk at the pace of the steady pig. Balance between the banquet and serious business will bring success. It is not wise for the tiger to jump into business or romance decisions this year.
Rabbit : 1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999The rabbit is also a friend of the pig who likes to hop ahead. The clever rabbit will slow the pace and enjoy the friendship and steady good fortune of the year of the pig. The influence of the pig will make rabbit calmer and more ready for serious commitments. This year may add to the rabbit's family either through marriage or children. Business fortunes will be steady but not exceptional. The rabbit will be busy enjoying life and family and have less energy to spend on work.
Dragon : 1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000 Dragon is very happy to see the pig. After a year of challenges by the yipping dog, the dragon is ready to sit at the banquet table and rest. The tired dragon must remember that the dog is not far away and the clouds of the dog year still dampen his fire. The pig year will bring fullness to the dragon who eats slowly. Self control does not come easily to the fierce dragon, but this year there is little energy stored after battling the dog. The wise dragon will spend resources with caution and build strength for new cycle starting with the rat year in 2008. Enjoy the quiet return to fullness and do not get frustrated at your weakness after battle with the dog all year in 2006. Your strength will return. This year plan trips and business ventures that will not need your full power. Success will come slowly. You will find many reasons for frustration with family and coworkers. It is not the fault of others that you cannot provide the energy you need this year. Control your fire breath and you will receive more assistance and find good fortune.
Snake : 1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001The snake will find that he has not been invited to the pig's table. This year is a time of quiet for the snake to lie coiled and waiting for the rat year that will bring a new wave of good fortune. You may enjoy the company of friends and family, but successful results in business will be limited. It is not a good time to begin new ventures or to challenge decisions. Avoid conflicts — they will not bring good outcomes with the opposite pig sign ruling this year. The snake should enjoy home, food and limited travel while planning for the much better prospects coming when the opposing pig sign is no longer dominant. The rat and ox years ahead promise that this next 12 year cycle will be good to the patient snake who gathers resources and plans to move when the time is right.
Horse : 1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002 The horse will be invited to the party, but may find it difficult to get there. The energy of the horse is very different than the pig. The neighboring snake, who sits alone, may try to keep the horse from the feast by hiding the invitations or slowing down the messengers. You may find your business fortunes are delayed by slow associates and misdirected or misunderstood memos. You will not win the favor of the pig with expensive gifts. Spend wisely to pace your resources to last through the coming challenges of the rat year.
Sheep / Goat : 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003 At pig's table, sheep has the seat of honored guest. Luck and good fortune in romance and business are the gifts offered to the lucky sign this year. Gifts of money may surprise the sheep. The pig smiles on family and will shower the sheep who becomes engaged or married during this year with many blessings. Sheep born in this year will receive good fortune from the banquet host. The shy sheep or one who cannot decide may miss the advantage of all the opportunities that this year brings.
Monkey : 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004Monkey will be invited to share the fullness of the table. This year will bring good fortune in business but monkey tends to rush to finish and the pig is a slow, detail minded sign. Expect frustration and delays, but do not get discouraged. These are minor setbacks, not the ill fortune of the last two years. The rat year coming up in 2008 will allow you to enjoy the full benefits of your patient work this year. Take time out to enjoy the pleasant year, it will help you to overcome the small frustrations in business. Be prepared for travel — you may even change where you live. All will be in preparation for the good fortune which the rat will share with you in 2008.
Rooster : 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005 Rooster will be at the feast, but pig is modest and rooster enjoys strutting. Conservative pig has little patience for rooster's emotional displays. In the pig year it is best to work on compromise. The rooster will worry about his seat at the table. Don't be foolish. Stop worrying and enjoy the party. Good fortune comes to the rooster who can copy the pigs steady pace. This does not come easy to the proud rooster and you will find that success this year takes more work. Business may suffer small problems, but a steady pig approach to completing tasks and following through on plans will bring rewards.
Dog: 1910, 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006The dog leaves the dominant energy of 2006 as the pig arrives to close the cycle. The dog will continue to enjoy good fortune, but should look inward during the pig year. The feast of the pig year will be enjoyed by the dog only if it is shared with family and friends. The dog is still full of energy and will find that this attracts new friends. Relationships that begin in this pig year may be a source of good fortune in the next 12 year cycle. Calm and relaxing activities are the best idea for the dog who wants to be prepared for the rat year of 2008.
Remember, whatever the omens portend, for better or worse, you are the final master of your own fate.
These ideas are provided for your enjoyment and amusement and are not meant to take the place of your own good sense.

Well since I'm a sheep it looks like my year should be just fine:)...which I like...I'll definitelly co-operate and try to make the most of it....ruk..ruk:)

brigita...sickie:(

2006-12-30T22:01:00.000-05:00

so I lost a voice about a week ago...i got it back couple of days later but my throat has been sore and acting up ever since. I must have a mixture os something like a cold and touncil inflamation...but whatever it is it doesn't feel good. it was getting better for a couple of days and now it is back and i can hardly swallow my saliva...a very icky feeling...i wonder how can i bribe my touncils to come to senses....i've admit i've used some pretty harsh methods lately of combating the sore thoat like pure vodka drinks and native latvian linden tree tea:) (which did make me feel better but then i interrupted the regiment with beer drinking and other stuff) so now i know i being punished for not sticking to mom's teas and curing myself fully. i admit i can be a fool...
...so oh...the best part of the week is that i got a door installed in my den today:)...now for the first time in this past month since i moved into my condo i can close a door behind myself:) and who would have thought that it feels so good to close a door behind yourself on an occasion. So the door is almost closed right now:)...and i'm happy.....and the big thank you goes to Hank:) still and even more now:) my favorite architect of them all who makes things possible. I'm so grateful I have such nice people around me who are willing to spend their time and effort in making my life easier and more enjoyable. This has been a great year for me all and all and I want to send out thank you's to a whole lot of people who are wonderful and who have come and maybe left my world but who all have made such a positive impact on me. I do appreciate absolutelly everything that is being done for me..... (btw?:) do you think i have career in speech writing for the academy:)???:)...ok..just a joke...but in all honesty...i hope next year is as good as this year has been and it will be a success...

p.s. peaches! it is time to update your blog already:) do you think?:) miss you.

Merry Christmassssss:)

2006-12-25T11:08:00.000-05:00

I just realized my last posting was only Dec. 10th, seems like a whole century ago. And the Christmas Day is here already. December was an incredibly busy month. I'm not sure where it went but there were so many things to do that it took care of all of my free time for sure. On major events: I am pretty wel settled into my condo, a co-worker of mine with a big heart will come and help me make a door for my den, so that I can get some privacy from my tenants. My second tenant is moving in end of next week. I sent in my first INDEPENDENT mortgage payment this past Saturday, The bank certainly didn't forget that I owe them money:).....but it felt nice to have my "rent" money finally be chanelled towards "non-rent" and start accumulating equity and working for itself. I'm happy with the decision to buy, even thought on occasion I was asking myself if I am convinced that I can get thought this and play the real-estate game the way I had thought I can play. But I think I'll be allright.
...My work is going well. We just had our Christmas Party 2 days ago:) people are fun and even thought I had thought it will be a slow party...it turned out well with it's own charm.
...Story of friends...my good friend Jennifer is leaving her work and moving with her husband to Norway...we celebrated her departure on Friday nite and will have an "official" good-bye party on Jan. 20st....and..the finally of the year at Duffy's the Irish Pub/ Restaurant on Dec. 31st...Let's wait for a New Year in style:)...and as for the New Years Resolution?:) to eliminate all of my credit-card debt, to build a wall for the dining room in the condo, and to lay off the junk food:) and go consistently to the gym...now even more that I have a arm-band for my iPod and I can actually excersise without worrying about where I place it:)...thank you Laura and Malik.... ok...I might return here if anything spectacular happens but most likely I'm wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a Wonderful New 2007 Now....let it be at least as amazing and more then the 2006 was for me!:)

continuing the tradition

2006-12-10T19:42:00.000-05:00

...of weekend working like a slave...
well here it is again. sunday evening 7.35p.m. and i'm at work...the tradition in my book already...the deadline i mentioned on wednesday is tomorrow 5.00p.m. and loads of work still need to be done...the usual tiredness and not giving a crap about anything has set in at this late hour...i hope i'll be able to get out of it in a minute or 20 because i need to keep moving. most likely i'll see the lonely streets of 5.00a.m. on Monday morning driving home to take a shower and making my way back to work immediatelly after that...
...i'm almost done with the specs book...almost all the materials have been accounted for...i was told i'll get a workforce to help replicate things tomorrow till 5.00p.m....which is good i won't have to have gray hair by myself trying to make 7 binders of everything by myself. and immediatelly after this submission the boards are due...when exactly am i supposed to enjoy the slow christmas time and experiance the holliday joy?:)
......my "pandora" just gave up and i need more music...i need to listen to something ....the silence is a disaster in this situation....and my pod is on the last 1/8th of it's power....need help....

so dead tired

2006-12-06T17:03:00.000-05:00

so it is 5.00p.m. isn't it always...my eyelids are so heavy like heavy alloy fo sorts. my #1 wish would be to be at home under my blankets right this second and sleep for a long while. the deadline is drawing close, the materials are slowly coming in yet the bulk of the work is still ahead. i really don't want to work this coming weekend. i have a lot of stuff to do as it is on my own...like switching my drivers licence from MD to VA and unpacking and cleaning...yeah the endless cleaning. i need a whole lot of cleaning supplies as well...everything takes time. i need a curtain rod to dress up the window to get a bit of privacy in the main space. i need a water filter to have normal drinking water and the list goes on and on and on:)..but as i said most of all i need sleep...can i have it like that?:)

stress?...does anyone has it less?

2006-11-28T20:39:00.000-05:00

...ouch my feet hurt...for a sitting job I've been walking alot today...well around the office primarily to and fro the library, picking stuff...mostly materials not my nose:)....
I think I get stressed really easily but! ( having a de.javu..because I've talked about this already in this blog some time ago)...I slow down because of stress and tend to drag the process out longer instead of finishing it up 1, 2..well unless the deadline is like 15 min away and I don't have a choice.
We have a meeting tomorrow morning at 10.00a.m. I need a bit of sleep before that..Last night i had such a good sleep..after drinking half a bottle of wine with Lyzzy girl and her "lego" friend...i slept so tight i missed my alarm clock this morning and slept soundly a whole hour passed the wake-up time....still miraculously made it to work somewhat on time:)...drove....$11.chi-ching... life right?
...was supposed to close on the new place today, but it was postponed till tomorrow...so once the meeting is over hopefully noon, i'll take a straight shot for a final walk-through of the space and then will sign my life away for a second time...really actually it isn't so bad at all..meaning signing the life away...it's not like they can do a lot about it or i can do a lot about it....everything is some sort of process and if you want to live you have to collaborate with the process and agree to certain things...like paying mortgage on time....
...on an amazing note...my friendster "allo garaz":):):) got married today with my favorite drummer....BIG CONGRATS TO THEM....hopefully I'll see them tonight and will be able to salute them with a shot of something....strong and alcoholic...I remember when I did it....we had pizza for dinner....it was late 10.10p.m....both my lucky numbers but it hasn't turned out so well in the end....for the marriage....but what can you do but to live on and try to make the best out of whats left and what will come. and i think good things are to come. i think future is just another form of the "grass is greener on the other side". the past when i look back seems so idilic and nice yet when given a choice i think i wouldn't want to live any of the moments from the past for a second time...why is that? if it was so nice? it's cause we know the past and no matter how great - we're familiar with it...but future is a mistery...filled with big rum & raisin ice-cream cones waiting for me to indulge:)...i'm allowed to dream am i not?:)..well but the fact is that the hope is there that the future will be better then the past and that's why it is worth looking forward.
...i think i need to leave work now..i'm about fully spent for one day...i can take only so many 11 hour days in a row....i can't imagine what will happen if i ever have children...how do people combine work and family is a big mistery to me yet...

smiles...
hugs..
outro.

happy thanksgiving....ny, ny

2006-11-23T13:55:00.000-05:00

...there is a little burned smell in the air:) but it is nice because my friend made it and it is the first smell of the thanksgiving dinner to come.....peaches and eric are making the fiest .....mmmmm ...uuuuhuuu...yum, yum....and I'm doing nothing....:)

and by the way it feels good to do nothing.... I got here kind of late last nite, much later then anticipated...the damn chinatown bus was 3 hours late...and once we got on it there was no heat it was broken...but all was not bad. I had a good companion - David - who also happened to be going to NY and 5 hours flew by in conversation...and I realized that it has been a while since it was easy to spend 5 hours like that, not really caring what exactly you talk about ( well a little bit) but to just talk and enjoy the conversation and not worry about the impressions or stuff you say....hm....refreshing. i realized that i do talk a lot in certain circumstances...well the circumstance has to be just right...but i can be a chatter box and it probably can be quite annoying he he....i guess long gone are the days were i didn't participate in the conversation due to shyness or some sorts..... but it is amazing the people you can meet on the bus....so many different people take the bus it is the "melting pot" in it's literal meaning...put a whole bunch of different people together and let them "stew" for 5 hours till the NY. and upon exit you've learned something new and met someone new and maybe have a more open mind and more appreciation for the people again....
...i had the occuring realization again that i love people (well it might not have been very apparent towards the chinese origin bus operating crew that arrived 3 hours late) but in general people are wonderful... (ok this statement is contingent upon the china town bus arriving on time tomorrow upon my departure from NY):)

..hm..so i guess this might lead me to my holliday thankfullness for having so many wonderful people around me who make this/ my life so beautiful and colorful, my friends and co-workers who make me laugh and who make me grow and develop, my friends and acquaintances who are giving me opportunities to develop personally and financially, my friends who give me advice that is useful and gives me and insight into things without having to spend days and weeks realizing the truth on my own (althought that is useful as well) ...my friends who shelter me and feed me and spend time with me and let me talk about my problemS and life and listen when i talk (paldies LBJ):) but in general...thank you for all the people who surround me and who are who they are around me and who let me be who i am around them and who like me for who i am be it fool, dork, woman, silly girl, interior designer, co-worker, friend or just a human being.....this life is beautiful...

darn late work hours

2006-11-21T23:01:00.000-05:00

being late at work
doesn't feel like a reward
staring endless hours at screen
wondering where I could have been instead
lights have disappeared on streets
i have to produce 5 sheets
by tomorrow before sunrise
i won't get no sleep...surprise, surprise!
can't wait to put my rear on the bus
and leave behind all the stress and fuss
and meet my friend of close and far
i hope we make it to the bar
ny, ny oh here i come
i promise i will have all things done
tomorrow after three i can shout and screem
good times will be real and not just a dream!

he he he...so I'm at work. and taking a break which will prolong my habitation here under horrible fluorescent lights in the wee hour of 11.00p.m. I need to get done by 1.30p.m. so i told myself if i want to catch the last train home and get my laughable 3 hours of sleep before the big Wednesday. I'm gong to NY, NY to visit peaches:) and taste treats and turkey prepared by her skilled hand:) well if she let's me I can wash her dishes again and reignite the unison once again of rhythmatic existance in the kitchen if only for a day:)...
..my right elbow feels like it will fall off shortly..I think I've had it rest on the desk for bout 13 hours now with slight interruptions...wonder what it will feel like when I hit 60 at some point in the future..but that's a far theory to ponder...
I'm looking at my dad's postcard and right about now I would be real happy to be sleeping in my bed back in Nesebr after a healthy Bulgarian meal and a good talk with my dad about everything and nothing....And maybe peak my head outside the window and look at the twinkling lights across the bay before closing my eyes and letting the dreams take over...
...just a wish...

ok...now my knee is aching:) ha haaaaaa ok.back to work maybe I can get outta here in some forseeable future.....(yawn):)

a strange weekend...

2006-11-19T21:32:00.000-05:00

I was just cruising on the internet trying to find something useful to do in the last hours of the Sunday nite before sleep and I realized I haven't written anything for awhile and hence my weekend is almost over I could write a few sentences here.....

...I guess firstly....I got yelled at for putting my roommates clothes in the dryer without her permission....:) I didn't do it on purpose but oh well.....that's the consequence of living with people who take things incredibly seriously in life....like their underware not being allowed to dry in the dryer.....I think that probably there is some deeper reasoning behind her unsatisfaction with me...because the thump-thump running up the stairs was crazy to have just originated from me putting clothes in the dryer....ufff..actually can't wait to get away from her and move to my own place...
....well secondly...there was an event yesterday that I attended to with friends and in order to support friend and I was told something that knocked me off my feet for a day and kind of spoiled all the fun I was supposed to have Saturday nite. Fortunatelly, I recovered this morning and all is well in the professional world again and I can expect to be swamped with work continually for the coming holliday season as well as hopefully next year. ...... oh and the eel wasn't sitting well in my stomahc for quite some time during the nite.....a reminder to myself to be careful with fishy treats.
....thirdly...:) hm is there thirdly:)...well alltogether it was an ok weekend....
...I had a brunch on Saturday with a nice guy, smart, modest and courtious:)....it makes me smile thinking about interacting with polite people. Sometimes I think because I tend to be cinical I overstep the norms on politeness during the conversation and produce a counter-acting smile on my face when someone tries to be polite. I understand it might be off-putting to a person but I don't do it on purpose. I enjoy the amusement of being able to observe the politeness in progress:)...I guess it isn't happening so often nowadays and I'm so used to not meeting polite people who try to be extra carefull with you that when it happens it is like miracle...:) ok I should stop using smily faces now:).....ok I stopped:)....now.....
....I have an interview tomorrow morning with the university....if it goes well I will have arms full come January and I will be able to clame myself a student again, even if partial.....I expect to like being spoon-fed theory on design again...should be fun....ok...it will be better then that I'm sure...I know it all depends on how much of myself I'll be willing to put into it. I expect I will want to put a lot of myself into it - meaning studying....
....ok.... and for the ending...
this is a little verve that leeked out of my head today while at work trying to concentrate and assemble materials for the project....

....the morning light awoke me but I keep dreaming
I walk the streets of cold wind and wet rain and I don't feel it.

I could be here, but I don't think I am.
If I were somewhere else I wouldn't give a damn.
To exist in a state of daydreaming is not who I normally am.

What brought it on, I'm not quite sure
Like buying 2 for the price of 1 deal - it lured me in.
It was something important, it must have been.
For me to leave myself in a tunnel of dreams.

....he he he...well since I promissed not to use smiley faces I have to express my laughter somehow.....ugh..ok I'll stop. It's almost 10.00p.m. and I need to start winding down hence I need to wake up at 6.00a.m. and I need my sweet 8 hours of sleep.

good night

Sons of Dissobediance in Concert:)

2006-11-06T02:19:00.000-05:00

weekend gone...

2006-11-06T02:07:00.000-05:00

it is early Monday mornng about 2.00a.m. and it is the very latest to get myself to bed, because tomorrow will be inevitably a long day, as Mondays usually are.
This past weekend was nice and relaxing and fun in a way. Started of with a gallery visit in Friendship Heights Friday night with friends to look at "Taled of two cities - Rio and Sao Paulo" vintage photos after which all in attendence were invited to go to 18th street lounge for continued admiration of old photos in digital movie format intermixed with some really tasty food and drinks:)
Sat. nite...house party with international theme going on unfortunatelly people don't get into dress-up so I and few other people were the only ones ready and willing to make fun of ourselves, but it is other's loss...It is fun to dress up.
Tonight.....concert at Galaxy Hit in support of "Sons of Dissobediance" a nice little groovie rock band plus friends that need support:)....
so here it is...the Monday is about 5 hours away and I'm dieing to get some sleep:)....
good nite:)

almost a month of silence...

2006-10-19T23:38:00.000-04:00

it has been too long. i saw the date of the last post and i'm vaguely ashamed of myself. nothing ever stays ins one place or remains the same...seems like many waters have passed already since a month ago. i'm still working my one year old job...somedays with more vigour then others. i'm learning for exam that i postponed and i've resumed going out - less frequently thought - for happy hours but the halloween is approaching fast and that will be a definite excuse to leave the house and spook around... personal life...rocky and undefined, financial life....also rocky and undefined...alltogether nothing has changed in the consistency with which life grinds me in the great stone mill called everyday...the wear and tear is accumulating....like miles on my red sweetness...
tomorrow...friday the 20th and saturday hills of west virginia if i can wake up early enough to make a day out of a day and not sleep all morning away...

2006-09-27T23:01:00.000-04:00

My updated wall decor...

2006-09-27T22:58:00.000-04:00

After conversation with peaches....

:)

2006-09-27T22:33:00.000-04:00

My peaches called me tonight...slightly Margarita-cated:)...but none the less it was a pleasure to hear her voice. I miss her solidity and cleverness and little peculiar - all sense - making ways. Her thoughtful deep brown eyes and the bright white smile. Her little tip-toe walk and her storm of flavours in the kitchen. The homy flair has long since withered away, and I know it left the moment that she closed the door of this house behind her and took her fragrant ways of living with her to big NY.
And I am living in her room....with my things....trying to mold it into a temporary shelter for my body. But it is so lonely not to have her around. It is a great find to have a great friend and a great loss not to have such a friend around you when you need a familiar voice, look and approval.

Love you a whole lot...

feeling feeble

2006-09-26T19:03:00.000-04:00

...lately(or maybe not lately at all, but this whole last month) things and expecially little things have gone astray...maybe it is the downside of the cycle of the ups and downs or maybe I'm just more sensitive and have lost the thick skin for absorbing the everyday stuff...
I really don't want to be a weiner but things keep pushing me to be one...like finances (and people keep saying it is only money it comes and goes), but when it goes and goes suddenly you awake with the knot in your throat and realize it goes too fast and how can I possibly stop it. I guess the cycle is vicious. I had a good time a month ago and now I have to "pay" for it with a downer month of sorts. Sometiems I think I have tied myself up so tight I have left no breething room for myself and I'm afraid to suffocate. I want to be free, yet I want things to be in order and I also want things....and I think maybe this last WANT has made me put myself at a volnerable spot. Growing up with much of nothing I think I have the posessive drive of feeling the stable ground underneath me and fast. Maybe I have stretched myself out way too thin... and way too fast as well...How do other people do it? Maybe not too often I see other people crying about it. I seems everyone has some sort of hold on their lives or maybe people take it as inevitable part of life...they are one with the stress and will keep living..

..I am scared...for the first time in my life I think I am financially scared of will I make it on my own. I have survived for a little over a year but will I last much longer?I am at a place where everything suddenly seems too expensive, where new things are unreachable. And I am thinking about purchasing a condo yet I'm thinking "with what u silly girl"??? People int his country save for things like that but it will be a while before I'll get close to being able to enter the saving mode. I want to rely on myself, but I'm not sure I am so dependable. I don't know for whatever eason I refused my fathers offer for help. It's just it seems like people like him probably need their own money more then I do. I thought I am strong and I am young and I will make it somehow,, yet the somehow factor sometimes is sooo scary. Should I give up my car? Will I be renting for ever? How exactly will I pay off all of my debt? I am soo tired. I went to the dentist today in the morning. I got there at 8.30 and left at 1.00p.m. and at the end she presented me with the future bill of works $9,000? I'm not sure if I am insane but for all the things I have payed the dentists in USA i think I could have made a good downdeposit on a good condo already. Or maybe I should have become a dentist, because I don't think I need a work worth $9,000 done. All I want is a beautiful smile without an insane price tag. But here is the mean face of capitalism on the other side facing me. I came to work and I burst out into tears, partially from pain from anestesia wearing off but partially because I felt so alone, so absolutelly alone....I konw I have parents but I can't burdain then with my problems they have problems of their own. I know they will worry and try to helo me with their little income, but that would be such an injustice for them to have to send their earnings to me where money just dissapears out of the wollet the minute you open it. ...ok I didn't mean to complain and for all I know I tried to be discrete with my problems even here and keep the wining to the minimum. I just wish sometiems I coudl rent a shoulder and an ear to talk and cry on. And this sounds pathetic because I do have friends, my problem only how do you interupt a friends day and potentially a positiv outlook on life with my bleak state of mind. It is not fair. I love life, yet sometimes there is so much of it and so little control over it and it is so easy to feel completely lost.

NO MORE BRACES!!!

2006-09-20T19:49:00.000-04:00

Hey...I can't believe it....a milestone..
I got my braces off today 10.05a.m.:) to be more precise. And in place I got retainers:).....but that is so much better to be able to pop them out of your mouth whenever you're tired of them not like with braces. I can't believe these are my own teeth:) seems I haven't seen them for 2 years and 20 days....
now I can eat EVERYTHING:) not that I didn't eat everythinh before (well maybe not caramel and sticky, chewy candy) but pretty much everything else.

I have to wear the retainer for 6 weeks and then a stop at the Orthordontist again for evaluation. If everything is going oki, doki, then retainers only for a night time. If teeth still shifting then 6 months more....ufff.but that's still much better than crazy braces. Teeth are so smooth:) and it is nice to be able to feel them with a tounge finally.....ok enough obsessing about the end of braces:)...promise!!!

Work....fine...seems to be picking up finally. Let's see if someone with summon me to come in for the weekend, because a BIG deadline is looming over everyone's head (except mine) right now to get an embassy project out. I hope I don't get asked because I want my Saturday, Sunday to myself.

Sundance..for fiber not for movies:)

2006-09-11T23:08:00.000-04:00

...yes indeed. I am in Sundance not to watch a premier of a hot and happening independent movie, but I'm here to learn about fibers, dye lots, colorants and carpet:)..he he he

check it out.....

www.sundanceresort.com

...the resort is nice, mountains are awesome...Salt Lake City.....mmmmm so, so. I just drove through it today and I'm sure there is a WHOLE lot more to it but from the first glance it doesn't look impressive....it just seems like there is so much space in this valley that each and every person got an acre to junk up any way the want to and they sure have. Warehouse after warehouse, car dealership after a car dealership and empty abandonded lots with weeds, rusty vehicles and all kinds of other imaginable junk everywhere. Ok it probably isn't as bad but in comparison to the awesome beauty that surrounds this city, the valley looks bad or unattended to, which is a shame it could have been a paradise surrounded by the magic of the grandeur of mountains.

I was in the airplane flying over the mountains right before the city and remembered Hank's (my favorite architect/co-worker) joke last week where he had seen a car in DC with a bumper sticker that said "stop tectonic plate movement" :):):) it was funny then...but flying over mountains and seeing the evidence of the shift in the earths geological crust made me smile at the awesome sense of humor of the person who came up with the slogan for the sticker:):):) he he he...stop the movement of the earth:)

ok....I'm exhausted actually and overly full from food again. ...the resort is very well organized...I was met in the airport and had a ride over to Sundance. I have a lodge with 2 bathrooms all to myself:)...I've never had a suite with 2 bathrooms all but to myself:) hm what am I to do with them:)
...tomorrows agenda...breakfast, learning and hiking in the mountains & bbq. outdoors for the dinner.....
zzzzzz...I'm going to bed....:)

already Sept. 6th

2006-09-06T18:11:00.000-04:00

......Deja Vu is on my mind. Maybe because I bought Beyonce's latest CD last night from Itunes or maybe because I want to associate with a song, because I want to see the past experiances and past faces on the street and in my life and they are not here.
...I am going to a conference in 5 days to Sundance, Utah to learn about carpet and get inspired by nature. I hope something will inspire me because week and a half of work has already returned me to a reality that work, work and more work is in my future for the next year at least and more.
...I met a boy who taught me my first words in Serbian. Papuce - which actually means tennis shoes not regular shoes but I will pardon the incorrect teachings. And Zima - cold for english. Which is also an alcoholic beverage in America, probably in Europe as well. And every time someone in my office calls someone "crazy" I remember a group of fun Serbian people who made my vacation so much more enjoyable in Bulgaria.
Fall is coming and that means less sun. It is amazing how much I love sun. I sat inside the office almost all summer long working long hours and didn't realize how wonderful it is to be outdoors. I thought I'm not missing out on anything. And then once I got to experiance the sun and the sea on my vacation it suddenly hit me how boaring the first part of my summer was and I'm sad again that I only get 2 weeks of vacation for the whole year, because I would gladly fly away somewhere to get more sun and sea.
What's ahead? I need to pass the LEEDs exam a.s.a.p to meet my 6 monts goals at work that I set on my last performance review. I need to start learning Italian as promissed to myself for a long time already. I need to get my finances together at my earliest conveniance before it is still manegable, if not I'll be in deep trouble by Christmas. I need to find a second job to erase faster my student loan of past 5 years already and in general I need to start reading and studying and gearing up for Masters Program...time to get started.

still recovering from vacation

2006-09-03T15:06:00.000-04:00

..so I had a few good helpers yesterday and today. My dear mentor came from big apple to visit and take care of some business, but it was nice to see a dear friend.
Don't know if I shouldn't take 3 weeks vacation next time or take some kind of nullifying drug after the vacation to let me forget how good it was when I wasn't at work.

At least this weekend has 3 days in it and I can do nothing and feel sorry for myself, which is pretty pathetic:)
Ok...must leave my chair and go do something....maybe not productive but at least leave the house and smell the air or at least drive the car around.

1st of September, where is my happyness?

2006-09-01T16:12:00.000-04:00

The month is right, the date is right....the day is right, it is Friday and the work week is almost over, so why am I sad?
I'm 26 and still asking the same questions I was asking when I was 18. Why, when where and how do we find our happiness? Sometimes it seems like I have it figured out and the rules by which I should be abiding are pretty clear, but when the moment comes and I should follow the ruels, the stupid rules don't work, or are incapable of performing the making sense function, or cheering up function.
I miss my dad and I miss my friends near and far. At least Jenny is coming to visit me this evening with Eric, a little glimmer of cheer, but in general what is to become of the weekend? It is nasty outside, raining and it will probably rain all 3 coming days.
I was having a good time on my vacation and once again thought I can just cut off the emotions (not that I have ever been able to do it). But of course like in previous times, it doesn't work like it. The attachments formed over a course of week, ran deeper then expected and I will need some time before my little heart has calmed down and reason has convinced me that I am being foolish and I should just go on. Besides the main principle which I thought I have figured out, to not build one's happyness around anyone else, is not convincing enough argument again for my heart to detach it in a hurry from the people I've grown to like even if in a short period of time.
Damn ups and downs of this life. We have to pay for every sweet indulgence we've experienced with at least a day or week of utter misery or despair and confussion.

T.G.I.F. is not working for me today.

Frustrating

2006-08-30T16:23:00.000-04:00

...it is only Wednesday, it is only 4.27p.m. in the afternoon. There is a happy hour tonight at friends company, but I'm not even looking forward to it. If I survive this whole week it will be a colossal accomplishment. It is so hard to be back, so hard to give up vacation and force myself to sit infront of the computer and bend my mind towards something that is work related.

I want to hear familiar voices around me that I grew to love over my vacation but none of them are here and I feel left on a lonely island. The bills, the responsibilities...are like chains around my arms, that have tied me to this place at this time and are keeping me from things I found during my vacation...
....I have sent multiple emails to a new found friend, but have not received any answer, I'm wondering if he has computer access at all. And the dear moments that we shared a week ago are slowly fading away like fog. I need to have some continuation in order to keep believing that the moments were real and not my imagination. But all I have is an email address that is keeping quiet.
...if anyone has any suggestions as to the fast lifting of spirits after vacation time is over, please shoot them my way because I desperately need them...

2006-08-28T21:43:00.001-04:00

Back in DC dispersing Latvian goods:)
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2006-08-28T21:43:00.000-04:00

In Sofia celebrating Ivo's Birthday.
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2006-08-28T21:42:00.000-04:00

Last hour with my dad.
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2006-08-28T21:41:00.000-04:00

Playing cards with hot Serbian guys:)
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2006-08-28T21:38:00.001-04:00

By the hidden beach with my dad.
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2006-08-28T21:38:00.000-04:00

Nesebar...old town
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2006-08-28T21:37:00.000-04:00

Nesebar
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2006-08-28T21:36:00.000-04:00

I and dad, before another night out on town.
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2006-08-28T21:35:00.000-04:00

My hot date for the night:)
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2006-08-28T21:34:00.000-04:00

My cousin & I before Disco night.
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2006-08-28T21:33:00.001-04:00

Brigita & Riko
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2006-08-28T21:33:00.000-04:00

Hometown
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2006-08-28T21:32:00.000-04:00

Vecmeitu Liiksmiibas.
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back in DC

2006-08-28T17:05:00.000-04:00

I am back but not really. I can't believe my vacation is over, everything around me says and indicates that it is over....I'm not laying by the beautiful Black Sea obviously anymore, I'm sitting by the computer and walking the concrete streets of DC, and sleep is killing me right about now.

The flight back was normal. I was stuck in-between two people again on the airplain, even thought while flying over to Europe and having the same situation I swore to myself to make sure I'm sitting either by window, or aisle. I did forget about it and unfortunatelly had same problem. It is simply impossible to sleep in the middle seat on the airplain, no place to put your head.
I paid all my bills already today and emptied my bank account. What a life. Bills, bills and more bills. I have about 768 photos that I have to edit and look over from my 3 week vacation and about 20 or more short videos:)
I want to live in Europe again, I have Europe and casual narrow street walking and leisurely living running thought my vains and it will be awhile I feel before I will want to be back in DC and work like a slave. American employers really need to give their employees more vacation time. How people here survive on 2 week vacation I have absolutelly no clue. All I know is that it isn't enough for me.
Ok. I will try to post some pictures here tonight or sometime soon. Something nice and memorable to which I can return on boaring work days (altought such shouldn't existing in the design industry:)?!:) Right?:)

2006-08-03T13:54:00.000-04:00

time to fly:)
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it is 4 h before the flight:)

2006-08-03T13:48:00.000-04:00

I'm happy, happy. I'll get to see my mom and my dear ones again. 3-1/2 weeks is really not that long of a vacation. I'm sure I'll blink and it will be over but for now it is time to fly:)

moving and moving again

2006-08-02T00:18:00.000-04:00

..so here it is almost an empty room. I am almost done packing, couple more things to fit in the suitcase and I'm ready to depart for vacation. Also I have to free up a room for a new roommate. I hate moving but it is so good, because it forces you to clean and get rid of so much unnecessary paperwork, that otherwise just sits around and builds up clutter.
..it seems this August will be a month of moves. My dear mentor and her bf are moving to big apple to get a bite of fresh life. I am moving from one room into another. Our third roommate is moving in this weekend. I'm flying out for vacation. I need someone to move into my Riga apartment by the end of the month. It seems it is all about motion in the month of August.
...speaking about e-motions, I could not hold back tears today at work. I realized (not for the first time) the severity of attachment to someone. The magnitude of relationship where you're accustomed to have someone close, where you're seeking for someone's approval and were you lived for the past 7 years in union with someone, and then not have it anymore. And althought with all of my reason I understand the necessity to move on, it hurt so bad to realize today that besides the pain I feel I have possibly cause the same and maybe even greater pain to someone else that I considered dear. And even thought I realize that we were not compatible in vital aspects of our lives, and to go on would be ill advised, I felt so incredibly sad today. I received an email and for the first time the person I thought had taken it very well, shared the reasoning and feeling behind our separation. And I was so ashamed to have caused pain, and I was so sorry to not have judged better my tolerance limits, and I was very upset at myself for letting and being open to the influence of others in the matter pertaining to our situation in the past months, instead of listening to my heart and letting it be the better judge. I realized that greed was starting to take over my judgment and that I have allowed myself to deviate from my original standing of being as gratefull as I can be to him for the past 7 years. Money comes and money goes and someone needs it more, than others. I believe I can survive and do well on my own, but the relationship once lost will never come back. I am incredably sorry for causing pain and thinking that my pain is great without realizing that pain I've caused someone else might be greater or more hurtfull. I can't believe how complicated the simple relationship is. We glide into relationship with such ease, at least me, without realizing the strength of bonds and suddenly it is over and gone. I'm so thankful for the past 7 years. There was so much good that it far outways all the bad that I remember. And even though I left because of the bad, I still love the person I left, and I hope I can not be a cause for any other pain in his life.
I guess it hit me today that it isn't so easy to find someone who is willing to listen to you and even less easy to find someone who will love you after they've been listening to all the good, bad, nonsence or smart remarks you've had to say. I'm not sure there is one such person for each of us out there, but the people who find someone like that are really, really lucky. I can't say enough thank you to the one I've left behind, for all the years of listening to all I had to say.

Thank you.

2006-08-02T00:16:00.000-04:00

almost packed and ready to fly...
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2006-08-02T00:15:00.000-04:00

1 more day before vacation...
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it's friday it's friday and it's time to leave the work:)

2006-07-28T16:52:00.000-04:00

...I had coke today, diet, but it has made me anxious again. Clock is ticking fast towards 5.00p.m. It's almost time to leave and relax and start the prep work for the vacation....slowly but surely. I'm anxious I guess I said that already. I feel lonely, but not in a bad way. I will have to fly alone, which I don't like. I'd rather fly with someone.
When I fly alone I feel for the length of flight separated from everyone as if I don't exist neither here nor there. I'm in the transiton zone and I don't belong anywhere, I'm all alone even though there are thousands of people around and the airport is more like an ant farm. Still the path is alone. I would enjoy it greatly to share the time with someone, to share the experiance and share the hours of travel with someone.
I'm looking forward to flying with my mom....I think it will be an amazing experiance. For the sheer fact that I hope she will be able to relax and I will be able to smile at the fact that she will not have to stress out, like she usually does when she flies alone.
I have many wonderful and close friends but occasionally I feel so disconected from everyone. Everyone has their own path and everyone's on their own cycle, bus, plane, time zone, mood, mood-swing, agenda. It is difficult to syncronize and make the speed of life slow down just to the right tempo necessary to feel the togetherness. I'm willing to learn the syncronization process, I just don't see anyone walking the same line in the same direction, which could very well be that I'm not seeing things that are infront of me.

I just finished selecting the grout colors for the tile installation for one of the projects and the color names remind me of the pattern that I hope will apply to my life in couple of days: DeLorean Gray->Perle->Bright White-> and maybe after that eternal bliss:)

How evil r u:)?

2006-07-24T10:02:00.000-04:00

http://www.blogthings.com/howevilareyouquiz/

I'm 38% evil:) he he he.

I'm nervous

2006-07-21T18:09:00.000-04:00

...sitting through the last hours at work.
I received couple emails from my past to be, pushing me to separate our financial interests. For the first time I'm realizing that he might be playing the game I thought he would be too kind to play, and I'm realizing that maybe he didn't used to be such a selfless man as I used to think he is. For the first time I'm realizing that I better harden fast and leave all the idilic ideas of a friendly future existance behind and understand that money has started to rule our paths.
I feel week and scared and pressured. So cinical, I was offered a free TV for the fast and speedy resolution of finances:) when it is well known by this society ( and finally I'm starting to believe it too) that I do deserve more then what I presummed myself worthy of receiving. I don't want to deal with it and yet I feel that spite is growing inside of me and I will fight. Were unfairly treated I will welcome the adrenaline rush that a self-defense mechanism produces.

It is Friday again, lots of things to do over the weekend. Foremost the front lawn needs major weeding, maybe in the last hours of this evening. I need to start thinking about packing for my home and need to think of little small something's for the loved ones. And while dealing with all of that the Monday will be here again too soon.

Lidz Pirmdienai:)

15 days to vacation

2006-07-19T19:38:00.000-04:00

It's been almost a month since I last wrote. What has changed?:) I'm much closer to my vacation.....yei. Work has slowed down a little bit, the summer is in full heat to be precise...close to 90 degrees every day. But most of the time I'm not feeling it, because I'm at work infront of my faithfull computer or at home again by the computer or in bed trying to catch up on sleep that I never have enough. My plans for buying my own place have faded in the far background. Things that seemed simple, turned out to be more complicated. More roommates are in order and more renting in order before I get a place to call my own, but maybe it isn't so bad, maybe meeting new people again will benefit me in one way or another long term. New people, new relationships, new experiances.
...I recently found the advantage of Goodwill shopping and I believe will indulge in this positive factor also this coming weekend. My favorite cousin is getting married and I need to look for little trifly things to take with me to Latvia. I got her already a gift, a cheap treasure find:) for marely $30.00. Now the problem is to get it in one piece to Latvia. Who knows what treasures this saturday shopping will bring:)
Would like to go and see the new Johny Depp movie and realize again how lucky some women are:) to be married to Johny Depp:) he he he. But mostly I'm looking forward to seeing my family again, my mom, my country, my apartment (which will need lots of prep work to be rented out), my friends and new clubs to go to and discover. I was advised the club that was hot last year in Riga isn't so hot anymore, so there is more to discover.

I was writting a post card to my dad this morning. Trying to warn him of my personality. It will be a major emotional turmoil once I get to Bulgaria. How do you get to know someone from scratch in 10 days. Someone you should have been knowing your whole life? I know I tend to be resistant and hesitant and cinical at the outstart of the reletionship expecially if I'm expected to show my feelings. And in a case of building father-daughter relationship I can see it can't be avoided. I'm not sure what it will bring. I guess it would be too selfish to wish for beautiful days at beech and getting a tan. I will probably need to spend time learning about my new family, trying not to offend them and trying not to be offended myself. Trying to understand what they expect from me and what have I gotten myself into by trying to bridge a 24 year old gap and giving us all a second chance at getting to know each other.

I finally got my GC from USCIS and it brought a huge sigh of relief. Now the next step is coming to restore myself to full independence and try to find happyness again somewhere somehow. How- is not known, but I appreciate all the things that have been tought to me in the process and for what I've observed in the process. The life is the best school one can go through.

recovering my identity...

2006-06-18T16:46:00.000-04:00

so it is Sunday. I'm at work but not working. I feel safe in here and with a temporary sense of purpose (when I get to it). I came here today to study....it is to be determined how much did I actually put in my head from all the reading. But coming here also served another purpose, to come half way to recover my lost identity....more specifically my driver's licence and my MasterCard. I would have never thought that is is such a pain not to have a driver's licence.
Friday night while celebrating a friends birthday at Cafe Citron by Dupont Circle..at a closing tab time I sign my receipt as usual and got back driver's licence and a card. As it turned out an hour after that not my driver's licence and not my card. I closed someone elses tab. The unattentful bartender switched my id and card with another girl's card. As soon as I realized the mistake I came back the same night to Cafe Citron to recover my ID. At first the guy tried to convince me that I was mistaken and hadn't given him my ID or card at all. After a look of disbelief in what I'm hearing he went to rummage through other ID's untill finally admitted that had swapped my ID and card with the other girl's ID and card. Can't believe it. Then barely giving me any contact info at all he just said I'll be fine. Luckily my friend suggested to get some contact info from the manager of the place. So yesterday the girl with my ID got drunk and couldn't make it to give me back what's mine. I went to the bank with a passport and later to amusement fair had to use my passport to get beer.
Today is Sunday...two days later, her friend finally made it to downtown and I have my ID back. Big sigh of relief.
The driver's licence might as well be all you are. They demand it everywhere in this country and look at you weired if you don't have one.
Ok....I'm out of here. I'll take my studies home:)

Departing Sunday

2006-06-11T11:51:00.000-04:00

almost noon....trying to wake up my roommates so that we can have a "together" breakfast. I need to start packing...my plane leaves at 4.45p.m. from DCA. Going to Chicago, the city of second story trains and occasional wifs of chocolate smell from rivers:).
Should be fun this time. I tried to avoid boaring lectures and instead opted for 2 of Frank Lloyd Wright tours of his houses. Plus a IIDA ball on Monday should be a good event.
Ok ...time to pack up my red suitcase with things that don't need any ironing
dui for now!

one of THOSE nights again

2006-05-15T21:15:00.000-04:00

..here I am again...the clocks have shifted all and all today. I'm eating my cereal and it is 9.00p.m. I had soup for breakfast today because my body either didn't tolerate the 5 beers that I had last night while hanging out with BD and seeing Ice Cube live or maybe the quarte of Rum & Raisin ice-cream did me in, but soup was a good start for the day. Not complaining of the cereal either but I'm feeling condemned again becaus instead of taking my car home from the garage I reparked it and came back to work. Now having a moment of cereal and blogging and then back to work. Everyone has left and more than once the thought crossed my mind to just give up and go home. To see if anyone will care in the morning. But I know my phone will ring and actually I need to send an email to one person who will not be getting their package tomorrow morning like I promissed he would because noone offered me any help today and between updating the specs and getting together the revised CID package somehow I didn't have time to worry about the darn tabs and copying all of the supporting plans or making the indexes that need to go in the book. So here I am again. And I wonder why do I care? Tomorrow is another day and everyone always wanted everything yesterday and a lot of people very well live that way, leave the unfinished for tomorrow because tomorrow will always be there....most likely. I'm not sure how my work will every work out if I ever have family and children. If I was to continue the hours I work I would probably leave me if I were the other person. So maybe all of my inner winning for a close sole, a warm hand in mine and lite caresses of the skin have a silver lining for not having had happened yet? Because when would I be able to feel them.

While in front of the copier tonight I was thinking how someone I know "peaches" always manages to get her presentation material together. I do remember her telling that she times herself very well. And I had to think of my clocking abilities tonight, there was an hour left to get the stuff out for FedEx overnight and I realized I will not get it out and I slowed down. I think I refused to get it out because it wasn't going to be the best it can be if I had more time, so I made myself more time and therefore tomorrow morning I will have to write an email justifying not having sent out the package that wasn't complete. But is it all my responsibility? What more could I have done today. I'm spending already here wee hours and I don't think I should have to do all this on my own. Everyone is so busy that even the priorities are not priorities anymore in comparison to disasters that fall on your head:) not funny but I can't keep thinking how unorganized sometimes everything is. There is a moment of short glimpse of order once in a long while and then immediatelly it gets swept away by tonns of things that needed to be given to the end user yesterday or today. Everything takes time and more time and more and more and more time. I start to appreciate the time that I have. I'm getting very mad at all the stupid credit card companies that keep sending me crap to respond to, the companies like DHL who can't find the address and I have to call them and tell them where exactly I live and that no it isn't a new construction in Alexandria, it has existed for a while now...things like that irritate the bg's out of me!
Ok. I've vented I need to go back and lock myself in the copy room until I produce 3 copies of CID books at least as far as I can take them. I hope to be able to be in bed by 12 midnight under fluffy covers.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

smiling for my roommate

2006-05-13T23:49:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting in my room it is 13 min before midnight and they're jamming away on the keyboard and a gittare....just attempted to play I believe something by EAGLES:) and it made me smile. You don't expect certain music to come out thought anyone elses voice but the original singer:) expecially I think the voices downstairs are still young:) not that I'm old ha ha ha It gives me this tickly feeling inside when I hear other people sing. Because I would absolutelly love to be doing it myself, a hidden wish. But I think my perfectionist side will always be in my way, because if I don't sing perfectly I'm ashamed to sing at all...not a very encouraging characteristic. I don't know how to explain it. One of the weekend days is over already. I will be marching to work tomorrow morning and starting my workweek early. By now I just consider it a expected hazard that comes with working int he design industry:) nothing to do about it. Allright:) I guess today has been productive to some degree. I got a lot of new music and most of it I like. Itunes is addictive and will put me in finacial deficit if I will learn to control myself:)

practicing pool

2006-05-07T02:00:00.000-04:00

pool at Domku
the "peaches" are sweet:)

so the weekend is passing by with big steps. I think my favorite part of the week still is Friday night. It seems it is like a culmination of the week, things have been finished and the lid has been taken of the pot and the steem is just gushing out. Everyone's relaxing, letting loose and living it up no matter how the saturday comes!

tip, tap, toe home I go:)

2006-05-02T20:32:00.000-04:00

he he heeeee. It is 8.30p.m. and I'm writting my final words for the day in here. Ready to take my flat behind (from sitting all day) and go home sweet home. Day was all right. Got pointed out that I did the wrong count on the waiting room chairs for the hospital. My honest mistake, don't always make friends with Excel so I accidently doubled all the tabs which amounted to initiating of ordering double of all furniture. But thankfully the mistake was cought on time and I won't have to pay out of my own pocket for 100's of chairs...ugh...well maybe not...but....I admited my guilt and all is fine. It's been so far the biggest mistake I've made in my short career. Actually it is insane considering the schedule we're under. The hospital is opening for business in August and we're still working ont he CD's for it and giving bit's to contractor as we go. And the client still keeps changing their mind about placement of walls yet at the end we turn out to be the one's that are holding up the construction? This industry is crazy awlays, not most of the time. The client for some reason always is right, the money is right.

I so want to go to bed. I want my 8 hours of sleep. Must resist the temptation to sit by the computer till the wee house of midnight, and should instead invest in some needed sleep. Ok. that's about it for today. Bye bye diary.

work here you've chained me again

2006-05-01T18:52:00.000-04:00

started out fully determined to do something big today...but it is approaching 7is and all I've done is ran around all day. I figured thought the color combo's for the wall, so that's an accomplishement:) small...but at least it is easier to go ahead now with the finish schedule...

weekend were are you....another 4 days ahead before the relaxing and more relaxing. Bills are way over my head, I haven't had a chance to look at my statements for a while now. I'm afraid to look at them, fearing what I might have missed. The grown-up world and the responsibilities. No way to push a button and stop the monthly time run of statements, due dates and deadlines.
...trying to think of my upcoming vacation. How much time I can spend in Latvia and when exactly. I also want to go to visit my dad, althought I'm scared. The month in mind is August right now. So probably beginning of the month in Latvia and end of the month in Bulgaria. However I barely have 6 days gathered on my vacation slip so I'm not so sure how things will work out. The time without pay should be close to out of the question with all the stuff I've gotten myself into. But I would definitelly want to go and be a part of my cousin's wedding on August 5th. That would be awsome. I only remember being in weddings and funerals as a small child in Latvia. The vivid memories of all grown-ups in their own world and us - children in our own, tonns of food and drinks and music and doing all things you're not allowed to do - noone's watching:)

ok....should type couple more item for the finish schedule and maybe then it will be time to go home....

the week is about to begin

2006-04-30T23:38:00.000-04:00

all and all it was a nice weekend. I managed to do almost everything I set out to do over the past 2 days, except going to work. It will be right in my face tomorrow, but I just absolutelly COULDN'T make myself go to work. Had a thought this morning, but it pretty much dissapeared the minute I felt the wonderful sun on my skin and in my hair. I went rock-climbing with a friend in Alexandria. Hm...let's see....the instructor was HOT.....and did I mention that the instructor was HOT:).....expecially with a harness on and shorts way tight around his hips....
ha ha ha...ok the climbing was hot too. I would definitelly like to return there if not for the HOT instuctor (who has plans on becoming a big shot lawyer and move to NY this summer......hey peaches maybe you should have come to the climbing with me????:):):):) one more familiar face in NY with big muscular arms and skinny waist never hurts....
ok
later in the day....went and cleaned THOROUGHLY my car:) it is shining inside and out right now! And went to the old house to walk the doggy. She was sooooooooo cute. She was rolling on her back for a long time when I took her to the park and we sat down to look at the sky for a while. I made back home in the evening and had a chess match with Mango, who is still alive:) and still speaking to me after the benadryl incident. I shall never play the nurse again, well maybe only a pretend one during sex:)
ready to make my bed now and dream about being a fake nurse:):):) kidding...but u never know:)

cold inside hot outside

2006-04-29T15:51:00.000-04:00

saturday....the house is cold, but the weather outside is fantastic. Haven't done anything much today except waking up late. Almost killing my roommate by giving him a wrong pill for the headache and oh well, dropping my car off for service, well at least that's a good thing.
Ok. short one today. Will be back soon:)

a minute before sleep

2006-04-28T00:08:00.000-04:00

It is barely past midnight. And I'm half in my bed already. The thoughs were wondering around so I thought to talk to my online diary. The day was busy. My eyes are so tired, I wish to close them and not dream at all, just rest for 7 hours. Peaches has disappeared somewhere for day's now. School or BD? Anywho. Got a new gadget, my camera can now take videos of up to 1 hour and 20 mintues. I was told by Mango that people will really start hating me for filming them non-stop:) but it is so cool, to capture actual voices, you can listen to them later over and over and remember the subtle nuances that were present during the conversation even if it was about absolutelly nothing. A busy weekend ahead.

Goodnight.

waiting for cupid:)

2006-04-26T18:33:00.000-04:00

2-1/2 more hours to go in this Wednesday workday. I believe my garage is now a blessing in disguise. I refused to pay for the garage entrance key and the garage closes at 9.00p.m. so everyday I'm forced to leave work 8.50p.m to get to my car. I thought it was really inconveniante but know I'm thankful for the push otherwise I could have had nights probably were I was to be here much longer than I wanted to. Actually I don't want to stay till 8.50p.m. but I'll be content with this saving bell of sorts.

Another day of exhaustion, running around, endless phone calls, running to a meeting and coming back, missing another meeting and having to negotiate for more time for a project. We always need more time and there never is more time. Everything needed to be done yesterday, that's the statement we get everyday. Meanwhile people keep changing things around even in the last minute. For at least one item I can blame myself...I hadn't predicted the outcome, however I wasn't told by the manufacturer that a specific type of configuration isn't available and I believe I asked at the beginning and was given a positive asnwer. At this point it is so hard to track what I was told at the beginning, I believe I would need an equal amount of time each day just to record all of my phone conversations. I don't understand how some people do it. My desk looks like a sample truck exploded on it. I can't see the bottom of it anymore. Yet in this chaos I guess there is still some order for me. I haven't lost anything yet...knock on fake wood sample:). I'm exhausted.....I'm happy for work, but sometimes there's just so much of it. I want to do a good job, but that would mean to exceed the expectations a lot of times I would have to not go to sleep at night at all and just continue working. I haven't read a book again in some time. I so want to have time for my own self education. I want to take a class or read a book or prepare for an exam, but I just can't find any time. The day's are just running by.

I think however, if I was shot with a cupid's arrow:) I would find time....right now nothing else require my full attention except my work...so I'm deep in my elbows in it. I wish I had an option of another kind of sail, but for now...it doesn't exist. The birds who announced the spring did not bring me a heart that desires my attention and mine is waiting in silence, althought inside I have a tornado of emotions waiting to be released. A bit scary I guess, but one heart is capable of loving again and again and again....that's what my dad said last summer.

making myself crazy

2006-04-25T18:34:00.000-04:00

...listening probably for the 50st time to a song. Started out happy, then nostalgic, then long-full, then sad, then just listening, listening, listening trying to kill as many sensory nerves as possible to forget why I am listening to this song. I deleted the photograph. Oh why does spring has to bring this type of longing??? One's norm is another persons dismay. One's everyday is another's heaven. One's illussions are another's reality. One's words are another person's bible. The interpretations are endless. Where is my spectrum. Where is my limit and end for all unreasonable expectations. I don't even know what is so unreasonable. Things that to others seem to come smoothly to me seem to not come at all. Things that develop into nice conversations and mutual exploration end in a dead wall. Am I to read the writting on the wall? Well there is no writting to read, that's the sad part. What am I a sucker for? What is it that catches my attention and grabs me so hard I have a need to listen to one totally unintentionally played song and trying to read into it what doesn't exist. I'm building my own sand castle from particles I can't see. And here I am again. Boasting of happiness found, yet suffocating for tenderness that doens't exist in my life. Yes everything else seems to be going swell, things are in their place lining up, spring is here, work is here, friends are here... the much necessary revival of my heart is trapped somewhere in chains and has no intention of coming and finding me.

Stupid loveless fascination - what's the meaning???

Return from the silence?:)

2006-04-18T18:21:00.000-04:00

Well I just looked at the last date and realized time has flied by again. Short note today thought. I'm exhausted, ready to wrap it up here at work and go home, cook comething warm and tasty (if I can) and lay back and rest. I felt so sickly today. I was off my meds for 3 days, again mostly because of my forgetfullness. Woke up at 6.00a.m. this morning and absolutelly hated it. I think my brain forgets to reqire in the morning after the nights rest if I get up at 6.00a.m. felt effects of not completed rest cycle ALL DAY. Felt cold and icky and moody and irritated, really irritated with the people the first half of the day. Now getting better though. Ok. I think I want a warm tea with honey and something else nice, that I don't know yet what. Will write again soon.

taking my 5th break from late nite torment

2006-04-03T01:18:00.000-04:00

fingers hurting as I'm typing. In a minute or so will return to the cutting board to cut away in straigh lines more foam core, but for now letting my fingers roam accross the soft keys. I miss the soft keys. The computer at home broke down, annoyance for me with a brand new computer. Thought Dell was an ok company, but starting to have my doubts. Haven't enjoyed the real sunlight in what seams ages, yet have subscribed to it myself. Listening in the background to weird african drum music with some dude huffing and puffing:) the weird things my iPOD brings to me during this late night workathon. Really looking towards my next weekend which I will actually use for myself, not to catch up on things due. Ok. gotta go and slave some more. Outro.

ready to go home?!#$***

2006-04-01T21:57:00.000-05:00

my elbows are killing me, all day up agains the desk, trying to support my fingers and the typing process, never ending typing process for the specs.aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, save me.
I'm ready to go home in exactly 4 min. not staying a minute longer here in this place that is sucking all my free time like a black hole. Well ok, I have admitted voluntarily that I kind of like it here so I can't complain about it, but still, I want to have more chances to smell the spring rain and blossoms that I've only seen so far at Home Depot and through my car window on or back from work. Can't feel my a*s from sitting as well. Is there a solution???

Ok, just short paragraph of little statement of my exhausted state of mind. The roommate is certainly not helping roling in at 4.a.m. making a full blown late nite dinner with friends and laughing in full throat under neath my window for an hour. Not enough of passing, roaring trains at night, but had to suffer from crazy laughter. Ok. I'm done:).

sooooo t-i-r-e-d

2006-03-30T21:36:00.000-05:00

exhausted is the word...fingers slowly and softly hitting the black key's on the keyboared, the only things still able to function on my body withouth complaining. It isn't my fault, there is just too much work. Like good old school days - the situation smells the same, however I got here not by my fault but by default. This time in real world there is no time to breeth and ponder. Time runs by too quickly with other projects to have had a chance to figure out the best corse of action how to approach the CID package for the hospital project and boom, it was due 2 days ago. I'm given a help today but I have so many questions in my own head I have very limited desire to explain things to anyone else, I wish I could do it all by myself, but there is not time and I don't have a twin. I want to do a good job but it is rather hard with 3 supervisors giving tasks at same tame. I'm not complaining, this is however the best job I've had so far, challenge wise, responsibility wise and co-worker wise, so I'm happy it's just that sometimes like tonight I don't understand how people with families do this kind of job, how do they ever have time for their kids or anyone else. Like the guy in Panama city, he's wife is giving birth tomorrow yet till the last minute today he was mediating between us and the client and I'm sure he'll not be able to get a good-nite sleep tonight anyhow. It is al so hectic sometimes, wish I was sleeping on my pillow already.

just for me:)

2006-03-28T16:42:00.000-05:00

...I'm sitting at the computer and wondering over my own silliness. Ok. Let's start out by saying that when I was small when I got angry at someone my reaction was to not speak to them. And the person I was angry with could pretty much see it in my face that I wasn't happy with them.
I don't remember now how long did it usually take for me to resolve the situation or how did it usually end. I'm not sure much has changed in my behavious now...but today I realized the truth of the saying" Time heals all things" for me:) The longer I wait the less anger remains. I think time wipes away the causes of argument and the facial expressions and the cirumstance. And I can feel better each day and realize it isn't a big deal, life keeps going on and arguments come and go and there will never be end to them but it is allright.
Yesterday I also realized that anger does more harm for me than I remember. It sharpens my illness, maybe it has to do something with tension and anxiety that confrontation brings on, but I don't need any of that in my life and neither my head. I want to breeth freely and feel free and be free with myself. Not to be confused with the freedom that I don't have anyways in this society, but inner freedom that I can stil govern.
Head feels so heavy today though, I should get more than 7 hours of sleep tonight. Maybe spring is taking it's toll on my body. Maybe life is taking a toll on my body. Taking a toll, is it like taxing our bodies like car's once we go through the time machine, the more time we have the more of our vigour we have to give up in this life?

sunday nite thoughts

2006-03-26T19:16:00.000-05:00

I have a friend who had a boyfriend leave her recently. I talked to her today and she told me she's been crying for days. Yet whenever I spoke with her during the last 2 months she always seemed to be unsatisfied with him and always refered to him in some sort of mean fashion. I even suggested her at some point to leave him if she's got so many dissatisfactions and dislikes with him. Yet now he left her and suddenly she tells me that she always thought what a nice guy he was. How he took all of her "crap" for so long so he must be the one. She spoke of changing for him, trying to contain herself and her "mean" explosions. But she's not mean. I don't understand. I think he just wasn't right for her. U should have to change for anyone. What u are right now is the sum of all your past lessons and experiances. If things are in constant friction between two people that things just aren't right. I know, I know if for example you one day realize you're a total a-hole for somereason and you want to change yourself because of that realization that I think that's admirable, but if another person keeps telling you that you need to change this and that to be better things just aren't right.
I was hoping for changes in my husband for years, I didn't like this and that. I was waiting for him to quit doing this and that, to act a certain way to want certain things, at the end I realized I have no right to ask for these changes. That's who he is and he is beautiful for that reason, it is just that I am not adapting to his behaviors and I can't live with them long term, maybe someone else can and will. It didn't make either of us happy trying and waiting for each of us to change for a long time. It is very painful to part I agree, I still hurt for the closeness of him, because he listened very well and was attentive in many ways. I miss the feeling of concern in his voice, his gentlmenly ways. I never denied that he is a very smart man. And I miss his smartness. I miss the feeling of belonging that marriage gives. But I wasn't happy in all aspects of our relationship and I had to let it go. So I 'm not sure where I've gone with this, I guess I'm sad that my friend feels a loss even though she wasn't happy with him that's what I felt from her.
But she's sad now and I think she might be wrong this time and blaming herself for the end of the relationship. I wish there was no hurt in the breakups but I think that it is good too to learn from the pain and I hope she gets past it fast.

always wanting what u can't have

2006-03-22T17:11:00.000-05:00

so ok....having bosted in my last post of too long of a weekend.......currently.......I'm so dying for sleep. Last night I got 7 hours in that felt like 2 when I had to wake up in the morning. The days seem so long. Work is work and takes forever. It is only Wednesday and I have a serious prospect of having to come in again over the weekend. Bye, bye beautiful weekend:) which hasn't even come. I 'm not sure why I'm needing so much sleep lately. People around me sleep far less than me and do just fine, look perky and together but I feel like a big slug.
Tonite is the visitor nite.....BB will have his relatives over...maybe.......hm....oh well. Maybe I'll have a chance for sleep forced out of the living quarters by guests and being forced into the sleeping/work/living place of my own.
I want time to run, run and run. I'm sure I'll be sorry for these words pretty soon but I want to have real spring outside, I want to lay in grass, have summer pass and fall come and maybe start thinking of some sort of grad school for a 1-year away type of future. I really want to crunch more out of my everyday than I've been doing recently. Ok. Officially returning back tot he work zone and trying to wrap things up for the day...

3 day weekend

2006-03-19T19:00:00.000-05:00

I think I'm officially exhausted. 3 day weekend. Friday nite felt like Saturday already and Saturday nite I couldn't believe I didn't have to go to work next day. I saw 6 movies almost in a row - 3 Friday nite - 2 Saturday and 2 Today. Let's recount: Edward Scissorhands (Loved), Fantastic 4 (so - so), Itchi the Killer (not so much), The Wedding Date (Loved oh so much), A lot like love (Very Interesting), Sex, Lies and Videotape (Interesting - I had seen it before, but long enough ago to have forgotten the title), and Just Friends (sooooooo cheessssyyyy) please don't rent this one if u've got better things to do. It is fine for a background movie to a task or activity but not enough to just watch it by itself. So I guess that is 7 movies......My eyes were hurting yesterday seriously and most likely from watching the TV. But today I was sort of productive. I put together the shelf and cleaned up my room and clothes and made the room livable in general for the whole next week:). Ok I'm dying here for brownies....will go to the store and get a brownie mix in a minute. What a nice ending to a Sunday:) sweet:):):)

a mess

2006-03-16T14:33:00.000-05:00

teeth hurt from wearing the rubber bands, feeling chills in my body just looking at the wind outside the window and the neck is acking, sleepiness in the eyes ...my best remedy right now would be bed...but I'm sitting in the chair at work. This day shall pass too.....right. Listening to Madonna again:) .... although I swear I don't listen to her all the time:):):) I take breaks but always end up with her for some reason. I have a very strong personal preference for a good beat:) he he he. I really want sun, a lot of sun. I want to bask in sun and feel warm while doing nothing, well maybe reading a book or the sorts. I could even read to someone aloud:) whoever can tolerate my latvian accent. Ok must return to work....(rubbing my eyes in discontent and huffing and puffing).

started on a high note!

2006-03-14T16:29:00.000-05:00

...morning was so beautiful, the clouds with a little bit of sun peeking through and then finally fully conquerring the sky, the wind, the birds, the life and the morning. But for some reason I've winded down and now I feel totally spent. I know I actually have a valid reason this time...I'm out of my meds. I've been harassing the pharmacy for the past 5 days, lazy bums who claim the doctor never called my prescription in until I finally called the doctor myself and they had never gotten a call from the pharmacy - they claim so ....faulty system I guess. But my eyes are going nuts. I feel the tension rising in my forehead and I was thinking of combining tomorrow trip with maybe visiting the Rx but I feel I need it tonight or I'll be a toast tomorrow for sure. I suppose I'm unvoluntarily addicted. One 10mg pill a day is literally keeping my life together...a scary thought, but a fact. Sad but curious at the same time, what is in this 10mg pill that keeps me functioning and in line and capable of everyday life, because for sure if I skip it for more than a week I feel the doom coming, like what I was 2 years ago, almost bed bound and scared to leave the house, panic attacks and unexplained vertigo cases that made for one miserable life.

So hurrey for modern medicine I guess, cause tonight I'll get my pill hopefully and all will be well again in my world.

must we be doing 1000 things at once?

2006-03-06T19:35:00.000-05:00

I feel on days like this that someone has stuck a straw in my head and slowly sucked out all my brain and and stuffed it back in with clay or fluffy white peanuts and they're stuffed so tight that I feel the pressure seeping through the little openings of my hair follicles. What have I done today but ran around doing things except that I will be demanded on Wednesday at my meeting. Can't say no to the multiple request by my supervisor to go and deliver this and that because he has a deadline. And I really gladly do it except my own deadline is stepping on my feet and I can feel the cold breath running up my neck. But I suppose this is the glory of the design field, being in consant motion and running and rushing and pushing and correcting - never ending corrections and replacements and changing of minds. Must find a walnut frame with oil finish with very exact dimmensions by tomorrow and have a model number ready for a framer who doesn't want to do his job or is behind times that it is his responsibility to do the research not me to please the customer. Pooh, where's the customer satisfaction and pleasing when you need it?

the mask ball

2006-03-05T19:53:00.000-05:00

Hm...the Mask Ball it was. My friend kindly agreed to be my make-up artist and here I am:) my second time in Netherland's Embassy. The evening was nice althought not nearly enough people had made an attempt to have a mask at all but it's their loss. How many times do we get a chance to "monkey":) around and be someone else for a change. I actually wish we could do this more ofthen. I think it is very refreshing to assume someone else's role. Funky and corky and playful. And I like playful. Thanks pjb for your efforts again.

I think I'll be sick

2006-02-27T15:10:00.000-05:00

feeling tired and cold and behind.... I think I'll be sick. I want to sleep. I got enough sleep last nite I think but I feel I want to crawl back in to the bed right now and sleep for another 10 hours at least under the warmth of my fluffy blanket. I think I needed an extra weekend day to just cleana and relax and do absolutelly nothing or maybe do something productive. Desperatelly waiting for the next weekend. I think I'll skip the "HH" and the drizanks to come and just relax and maybe study a bit. Ahhh 4-1/2 more days to go:(

researching the trees

2006-02-19T20:09:00.000-05:00

I looked at palm trees because that is what I had proposed for the design motif for the hospital on my project at work, but I guess it is looking so abstract that people have hard time recognizing it as being a palm tree...not my fault though:)
...so now we've switched to the Magnolia tree. I'm researching what exactly the Magnolia tree looks like and how we can break it down into some geometric form to apply the design for about 200,000 sq. ft of corridor space in a hospital setting. Meanwhile while researcing both the tree's I stumbled upon the Tree of Life:) there is definitelly a lot of images on the subject online and it made me think of the concept behind the tree of life. ( I even saw a cute tatoo of the tree of life...which lead my thoughts to another direction that if I ever get a tatoo it could be one of the trees:):):):) but never mind.

The tree of life. Maybe I'm so much into the tree's because I don't have a very stable family "tree" myself and maybe there is some underlying desire for a solid and stable ground in my life. But the concept is certainly fascinating. From the "human tree" and all of our inner body parts that can be arranged into a tree form to a "family tree" to a "tree of life". The tree's seem to be spreading and weaving their branches throughout our lives like big green guardians.

...on another note I thought today of the concept of the "beauty is in the eye of a beholder" and it certainly is. I thought of a person and it ached inside to realize I don't have any attachment to that person yet I perceive them to be beautiful. I think beauty is a trecherous force to possess.

strange, complicated and simple life

2006-02-18T19:29:00.000-05:00

the perspective on life really changes every day depending on your mood, situation and the conversation partner. And it all always seems so true. Life seems so complicated in certain situations when you don't see the other side or the light at the end of the tunnel. Life seems so simple on other days when the birds sing, the heart is blooming and nothing in this world seems like troubling over about. And then there are days of strange events, outcomes and consequences. So really there is no one definition. Life is everything for everyone everyday. There can never be one definition of such complex yet simple thing. Don't try to even box it in, it isn't really necessary.
And like life we are the celebration of life equally strange in our expectation and presumptions, equally complex in our behaviours and thoughts and equally simple creations with our basic needs. It all really depends on the day or the hour of the day and it all changes constantly. So we are life.......
...on another note, I'm in my complex days right now...where things don't seem to make much sense. Where simple things have dressed into complex invisible cloaks and I'm puzzling over them not understanding what am I looking at. I want to give and maybe I do expect things back, but I understand I will not always get things back. But I have the hope that I will receive if I continue giving. And since we've been told that things go in circle I'm hoping my circle has a happy middle approaching, however I don't know how far from the middle I am:)???

about a boy

2006-02-17T17:00:00.000-05:00

it is Friday afternoon officially 5.02p.m.
and I just swallowed a bitter taste of sadness/disappointment...tasted a bit hurtful with a grain of irony and a little bit of shattered hope for tonight...but I'll get over it. I'm a big girl and I should realize that once and for all. My mind is a mine-trap for myself. One of the very first sayings I was tought as I arrived in this country of maze and merryment...."don't put all your eggs in one basket"....but I do it over and over again. I must be a henn or something:) when will you learn little henn heart:(
ok....cheer up and look at the brighter side....the day is still beautiful and you have good friends and good job and hopefully ...when you've left absolutelly all hope or yearning for it....it will come and immerse you like a warm fuzzy blanket and will keep you warm for ever and ever. Outro.

what do I want

2006-02-16T23:03:00.000-05:00

I want everything and right now. I feel so restless. I feel like breaking dishes and plates and screeming and jumping and yelling but there's noone around and I feel bottled up inside in some vacuume or space where noone will ever look. Why do I need someone to share this process with me? Because I find a pleasure in the company, I like feeling the warmth of another being besides me. I have been mulling myself and my thoughts over and over and over and I need someone to share if only the silence with. Awwww spring, spring - you bring the warmth and bright sunny skies but you do not bring the blooms to my heart. I feel like my heart has a huge frozen crust laying on it and I have no outlet. I want to peek out sooo badly and see sun and sunny eyes and feel warmth, but it is not coming my way. I want to knock and I feel like whoever will open the door will not be the rescuer, but the scapegoat and I will be mean. Oh why do I want.....

Happy Valentines day BG...

2006-02-14T19:42:00.000-05:00

I feel I have left the door open this morning to my heart and the irony has peeked it's nose in and left the footprints while smelling my flowers. (neviens no maniem draugiem kas dzivo Washingtona neapsveica mani Valentina milestibas svetkos....dazi apsveica mani otrie pec atgadinajuma un ne ar ko vairak ka tikai ar vardiem...kur ir pazudusi tieksme sameistarot ko skaistu un patikamu prieks taviem draugiem, pazinam vai darba-biedriem....es paliku augsa lidz 2.00a.m. nakti lai sagatavotu mazus parsteigumus prieks saviem draugiem.....hm....draugiem))) vai es esmu maldijusies???)

I bruise easily too,
listening to a song,
and I deeply long
for an understanding and gentlness.

How much of myself
do I put out there
in the thorny field of love,
before I see any seedlings
peeking through the eyes of anyone.

I'm sad yet half expected to find myself in this place at the end of the day. So next year I will not expect anything at all. Will my heart grow a crust through which little hummingbirds will have no hope of poking through. Next year and maybe the years after that even a missle will not be able to penetrate the surface. Will that be called the death of emotional existance of B.G.? The shell will be left, but the windows will be dark and there will be no flame left to warm the passer -by hearts.
I don't want this path, I will fight the crusting of my heart with all my heart.....promise.

What breed of dog are u:)?

2006-02-05T11:53:00.000-05:00

Woof woof! You're a Chihuahua!

No bones about it, you're an energetic, devoted Chihuahua. For your breed, size definitely doesn't matter. After all, sometimes the best things (diamonds, car keys, Godiva truffles) come in small packages. Honest and straightforward, you're never afraid to speak up for what you believe in, especially if it's a cause near and dear to your heart. Having such a passionate personality can come with a few drawbacks, though. You can be moody at times, and people often find it hard to live up to your high standards. But once you make a friend, it's for life. Saucy and intense, your energy and unfailing loyalty make you a great companion. Woof!

Sunday - the day of rest:)???

2006-02-05T11:03:00.000-05:00

Maybe, maybe not. I will be going to work today if I'll ever get out of the house. I woke up at 8.00a.m. by myself and that should have been the time I get out of bed. Instead I dozed off again (well actually it was very much worth it cause I had a REALLY nice dream:)) but I got up eventually 10.00 and between cleaning up and breakfast and washing cloth and taking care of the dog the morning is 49min. from being over and I really need to get going:)

Well but before I depart:

"Present"

Your presence is a present I'd gladly accept
on every occasion you feel like giving.
You can wear blue jeans or dress to impress,
when you enter the room I'm glad to be living.

I'm amused to watch you in silence
from a mear foot away or across the distance.
How you break the ice in a crowded room
or slowly melt away my resistance.

And I like the present and the game we play.
You don't know my position and I don't know your next move.
We can make it so simple or as complex as you'd like,
but what is to be gained and what is to be prooved?

Your presence is a moment I reflect upon,
when the day is over and I'm all alone.
I'd like to thank you for being in my life -
still a chaos - and slowly making me grow.

"No Bad"

Bad days don't exist,
they're just days
you forgot to wash you face.
You're looking at the world
through your sleepy eyes
and seeing straight lines
as unconquerable maze.

The days are bright
no matter the weather,
and you don't need coffee
to give you a boost.
And your shoes don't have
heavy stones sewn in them,
you only need
to let your optimist loose.

I walked this morning
with a smile and light hearted
from home to work
on silver rain drops.
I was looking for roses,
smelling beautiful roses
and found a place
where time makes a stop.

Mix it up Saturday:)

2006-02-04T15:24:00.000-05:00

had a lazy and I mean LAZY:) morning in bed. I snoozed the alarm with such a delight knowing I had no place to be. Finally felt bad for my pooch and got out of bed to take a long walk with Dayla under the sprinkling skyes with music in my ears. It felt very refreshing and my spirits were high, it was so good to be alive and it still is:)....I think I've hit the optimism gold mine lately:). I'm feeling good and very often with no extra means, reasons or substences:) he he he.

Went to the post office around noon to send my loved ones something special for special occasions in their lives that are fast approaching. Went to get a frozen cappuccino from DD and it didn't really taste as good as from the DD in Alexandria....unreliable chain:) but nevertheless it didn't spoil my mood:)
Talked to my mom arond 1.30p.m. She misses me....and I realized another thing about her, not today but like a week ago. I have really good relationship with some of my cousins and one by one it seems she gets mad or unhappy with these exact relatives that I have a good feeling and relationship with. So I'm starting to observe a pattern. I think she is jealous and maybe unaware of it. But it is becoming very apparent to me. She's ending relationships with people that I really like. Jealousy?!!?!! It is very strange...when I would like quite the opposite - I'd like her to like these people as much as I do, but the exact opposite is happening.

I'm taking Dayla to dog training class in an hour:) should be interesting:) I'm not sure to what extent she's still capable to obsorb information or learn anything since we've spoiled her pretty bad, but she' s still young so maybe there'se hope :)

Ok BG. I had another idea that I came by on my long morning walk today...I think the necessary growth period has begun...and I'm happy for it....that's what I was looking for on my first months of independence and I think I might have started the path.

Here is another one of my morning fruits:

"The depth"

The depth of your mind
was like a thrilling ride,
or maybe a fall down the abyss.
I wanted to experiance this.

I entered your space,
I had to knock on the door.
But then I saw marks on the floor,
I wasn't the first one to enter this way.

And now I find myself wondering,
strolling and gently rolling,
yet oftentimes falling.
Sometimes I feel I've entered the tunnel
with no light in my hand to guide me through.
Clearly now I see I wasn't thinking,
just rushing in to find the shortest way to you.

But now I stopped because I'm lost,
by the landscape I face.
The depth of your heart
is a vast, vast place.

I entered with a hope to find clear signs,
revealing your being and who your are.
But here I am, facing your horizons
and feeling from you ever so far.

speaking friend:)

2006-02-01T19:35:00.000-05:00

Hello my friend, I'm so glad u called me today. U're so special, I told you on the phone you're among one of the few friends if not the only one that always and I mean ALWAYS:) boosts my self esteem. If anyone needs their self esteem boosted:) please call 412-508-9411 tell Neli u know me and I'm sure she'll tell you something extremely positive:) to make u smile.

I'm so happy I met you in Pittsburgh. I know everyone thinks you talk a lot - and I'm not denying it:) but you also know how to listen, and I have felt it so often from you, that u actually listen to whatever trivial things I have to say and you Understand what I'm saying. So keep on talking and I promise I will listen to you because you listen to me too:). I hope I'm making a little bit of sense here. I'm about to go home. Everyone has pretty much left work already, the last architect just waltzed out the door, so it's time to leave for me too:).
I've had a quiet name's day today and maybe that is the best. I received greetings from friends that I can see are still aware of me:) and that made me happy. I hope you do make it to DC pretty soon someday with Dan, don't build up his expectations of me, I don't open up to people immediatelly and I don't want him to be dissapointed.
Ok sweetness:) have a nice evening make yourself something nice to eat or maybe Danny boy has made you something good or brought you something good from the restaurant. Can u believe it I have never been to Bee Hive? I hope I make it there someday before he still is the chef there.
OK. Bye bye for now. Oh your sister sent me an email today but there was nothing in it, I'm curious what did she want to tell me:) Funny.
Kisses.BG

late nite drifting of thoughts

2006-01-31T12:14:00.000-05:00

I was trying to go to bed and all these thoughts were rolling around in my head as if a tornado was spinning in the plains of my left and right lobe. I was talking to my dear friend last nite and I felt like I have been daydreaming my life away and she has lived a thousand years ahead of me. My little heart with it's little experiances and little understanding of the world. So after returning to my room I had thoughts just spinn around in my head in no particular order. I love to have conversations, I believe I haven't applied myself to all the conversations I could have had with people around me on a dayly basis. I guess the daydreaming always kiks in and covers my eyes with sunny disposition that dosn't produce the urge or the necessity for anyone's conversations but my own with myself.

I don't want to suffer,
I don't want to suffer in vain.
I want to learn from my pain
to know to ask you for forgiveness
before we derail.
And I will try to build the passage,
route or path that works for
what we call our love train.
I don't ever want to see you leaving
once I've found you to be
my positive element in my negative.
I don't ever want to be an echo
in the place where you will settle down to live.

I'm asking myself to never let me have to lament
on the truth I could have brought to lite,
expecially when you and me together
feels so completely right.

and the wheels keep spinnin:)

2006-01-27T14:49:00.000-05:00

...hey I think we can live without "g's" except of course in BG:)
but back in the office, keepin this Friday rollin. Counting down hours and min. till the happy hour:). Got back from travelin yesterday, had a really productive personal trip and a good work trip as well. It was funny how silly ideas can make impacts once the big ideas have failed.
Here is a little somethin, somethin from my personal time during travelin:)

on the flight...

I can't let loose,
I've tried many times,
I've cried and I've tried
to let go of my fears.

But uncertanties of
everyday moments
are piercing my heart
like poisonous spears.

I can't let go.
I've pushed and I've pulled,
I almost fooled
myself not to care.

But the more I try
the more I'm tied
by concerns and heartburns
and worldly stares.

I can't rip myself
from the enchanted womb,
from the squeezing grip
of this society.

The longer I wait,
the more I'm unborn.
Like sand through fingers
I'm slippin from me.

...unintentional...

Not to be direct, or overly pushy,
or in your way in anyway.
But looking at you I got to tell you,
I'm fallin for you now everyday.

You go about your tasks and your errands,
hummin' your way unknown to my heart.
If I had wit I'd try to direct you to look my way
but I've lost my smarts.

I'm looking at you looking at me looking at you
with my big brown eyes.
I didn't know I'm such a good actress,
but you still don't know what I hold in disguise.

Not to be forward or overly open,
or be in anyway off the hook.
All I'm saying if you're willing to hear it
my emotions right now are an open book.

...finding u...

I'm on a road to reach the destination.
When will it come I don't really know.
But if I see you while I'm going,
how will I know you, how will I know.

The wings are spread and the wind is lifting
the vehicle that takes me away.
But if you were sitting right here besides me
still unknown to me what would you say?

The dark cloak of sky has spread around here
and only stars illuminate paths.
But if I could see your eyes crossing mine
how on earth would I know if will last.

I'm crossing bridges and busy highways
looking for someone I haven't yet found.
But if I happen to cross your path
I'd call that place my happiest ground.

...pure...

To be pure what does it mean?
To have a pure heart,
to have a pure mind,
to have pure thoughts,
were do you start?

To experiance pure joy
with no suspicions or decoy.
To have a pure soul
what must be your goal?

Do you desire, do you have wants?
Do you reach what you set out to do,
or does your pure way bring you to screatching halt
when you want to go through?

Do you have friends and if so are you equal?
Do you give when they want to receive?
Do you put their needs before you and in return
do they comfort you when you grieve?

Do you expect things or have expectations
on this road that you're following now.
With all the pureness you have and posess
do you question yourself sometime or somehow?

to exist

2006-01-16T20:03:00.000-05:00

The hardest job to do
is to make yourself see each day
the usefulness of one's existance,
the necessity to carry on,
the contribution made at the end of the day.

Am I blind or blind folded?
Sometimes it seems I don't understand
what am I holding.
The thing in my hands, my life
feels like it is getting stabbed
each passing day with a naked knife.

Lost cause or lost way,
not sure which one is worst.
Feels like I'm familiar with both.
Now looking for a door out.

Not understanding, completely in the dark.
Where the road is leading?
Did I take a wrong turn,
were my eyes misleading?

"Lines"

2006-01-16T16:41:00.000-05:00

I have a friend
who followes the line,
and I have a friend
who crosses the line.

Some of my friends
like to push the line.
They tend to eat alone
and feel just fine.

Some of my friends
like to hang by the thread.
They're easy going
and even easier mislead.

A few of my friend's friends
have stepped over the line.
Their new house has lots of bars
and a steady supply of
illegal cigars.

For most part
I just stand in lines
for friends, for food
and for occasional good time.

the holliday without a holliday feel

2006-01-16T11:25:00.000-05:00

so it is another Monday...maybe good maybe not so good. I felt very sad last nite, still rumaging through myself to find the reasons why. Had a very nice dinner with friends, yet at the end of the nite I was feelin very lonely. I was thinking about things like....people usually speak about other people and what they don't like in them and I remembered in high school we used to tease each other how the things you find in other people that you don't like are actually the things in yourself that you refuse to see as your own faults but you tend to pick it up very well in others. Hm.... just thinking and thinking.

Here's another one of my little soul searching poems of the nite:

It isn't all fun and games,
I was a foolish and dreamer girl,
When the clock hit around twelve,
All magic away in the wind swirrled.

I was a foolish and dreamer girl,
I allowed my hopes to carry me on,
Then the end of the road suddenly showed
and the joy was suddenly gone.

I allowed my hopes to carry me on
Didn't know what to do if I loose.
The feeling of love was foreign to me,
so naive, I let my heart bruise.

Did not know what to do if I lost,
the battle of finding myself.
Still I'm dreaming of winning this war
of disfunction of every day.

I'm hoping that everyday I can get a little bit closer to finding my way. Was reading a book over the past week on finding answers. Cause that's what I seem to be looking for, but there was a paragraph in it that said that the life is to look for answers not to find them. If you've found an answer you're misleading yourself. I think it could work for me, because I don't see there being an answer out there, there are always more questions to come and there always seem to be a side unaccounted for.

Music

2005-12-24T23:59:00.000-05:00

Tonight was about music.... I played a little keyboard, my friend's keyboard, listened all day to I-pod and danced my mid-day away infront of the mirror while gift-wrapping.

I tried to pick up the cords on the keyboard for the Sting's "Dead Man's Rope"...had some success and came up to find full lyric's for the song. I'll try again tomorrow and hopefully I'll be able to make something decent out of it.
But besides that here is my attempt to write a little something that reflects how I feel about music:)

"Love of music"

I'm not a great author or writter,
I'm not a composer of any sorts,
But deep inside of me, in my veins,
I have a passion for musical cords.

If I feel down in the early morning
or feel blue at the end of the night,
all I need is a sound of music
to restore my joy and resume my delight.

If I don't have a friend's shoulder handy
When my heart is full and tears cloud my eyes,
All it takes is a good old music
to clear my sorrow and bring back surprise.

I am not a pianist nor a great violinist,
And I don't have baby grand stacked in living room,
But everytime I hear good music,
It makes my heart open up wider and bloom.

more is to come:).......maybe next time about the love of dancing:) he he he
and the Christmas is around the corner too....magic's in the air.....

things that make me laugh:)

2005-12-22T00:39:00.000-05:00

.... lately more and more I have noticed there are small things everyday that tend to lift my mood. I'm not sure if I didn't pay attention to them previously or things that make me appreciate the beauty of everyday have just become more neticable. Like this morning for example, on the radio they were playing all the songs that I really liked:)...it made me smile as if someone had handed in a list before I stepped into the car with my song wishlist:)
....also someone letting my car in before them on the street:) ...A person who I saw at the beginning of the day and then again at the end of the day.....was so funny to realize we both started and ended our work day at the same time:) each doing our own things, yet meeting on the same spot on the street, our paths crossing twice in one day at the exact same spot:).

People saying good things to me at work:) and making me laugh for their sweet kindness:).....
hm...wind wislink in a way that reminds me of a song:). Birds in the sky in the morning. Sunny mornings. My car treating me nice:). Maybe the spring has decided to come early:)
...and finally:) having a good friend to talk with at the middle of the night about everthing and boys:) he he he.

X-mas approaching

2005-12-20T21:53:00.000-05:00

Half the shopping done, half the work at work done....things tangled and uncertain.....in general - life. Not-sure what things are happening currently but the current seems to be carrying me in a direction of unknown at times frightening, yet every day is free and new and ready to be made the most of. I'm looking inside of myself and trying to see if I will have enough strength and wisdom to carry myself alone on the new path of unknown.
"I'm not afraid of what I'll face but I'm afraid to stay" is the excerpt from a Madonna song "Jump". I've been listening to it a lot lately, well among other songs, and wondering what a different state of mind she has, if those are her words. My natural reaction is to be afraid of the things to come because I don't know what's coming, yet I know the present and the familiar and I know my reaction to it. What requires more courage...staying or leaving?
Sometimes I feel I have a rabbit of a soul:) maybe furry but scared. Oh well. Each person has their own problems, wonder if there is anyone perfect in this world.
I restarted writting poems again. In my heart I have just recognized that I do that well only when...:) inspired by certain emotional state:) he he he.

december 5th

2005-12-05T15:07:00.000-05:00

...it is snowing in DC:)
I got up today super late for the Monday morning. I think it was due to the fact that I happen to have a glass of white wine and a glass of MOET chapagne last nite with my roommates...he he he...works pure magics if you suffer from insomnia, worked for me anyways.

The drive to work was wonderful, music all the way to the client site. I got to say thankyou here to a friend who inspired me to get the little magic thing called Ipod, because it has payed off in 100 of ways so far and most of them involve lifting my spirits:) instantly. I LOVE music. Speaking of music over the weekend we went to Spy Lounge and Felix combined experiance and they had "The Band" perform in Felix. Yes indeed the name of the group was "The Band":) mui originale:) but anyways, they had a singer...a tiny petite, petite girl that could be Jamaican or maybe not but she had amazing vocals. She took on Jill Scott and Alecia Keys and did awsome. It was amuzing because inbetween singing she would open a jar of honey, dip her finger in it and suck it:) thus coating her throat for an even better performance:)....but really the sound was awsome. It was my little retreat from an overall lonely experiance I would have had in th 2 clubs because all of my friends were busy as it was pursuing opposite sex.
At the end of the nite I did however get to treat myself with a little dancing when the group was winding down, I just couldn't resist. I wish my girlfried was there to share it with me but as it is I believe she's having her own fun in Magic Montreal.
Well, anyways part of the weekend. I felt rested and spurred at the same time.