"white flag"

...i'm tying a white flag on my vessel of navigation through my life...i will take break for a while from trying to understand why things happen and if there is reason or no reason behind them... i'll try to look at things for what they are...for a while:)...i'll try to behave based on what i feel is write and good for me and others inter-related to me and see where things go from there...

...still struggling with a dry cough...but nothing too bad...weekend was good, quite good:)...i got to go out with people i like and have a good time...and within limits i was able to monitor my intake of alcohol:)...experimenting with white wine one night (will not do that again) and then amstel light (seemed to suit me much better) trying to find the perfect blend of getting a pleasant disposition and having fun...
...house party was nice...i got to shake my booty:)...and the music was nice... and i got to meet new nice people...
week so far is going well...hopefully my balcony door will get installed tomorrow morning finally - without delay of snow or rain...got 3 new cd's for my ipod today from a friend...
...must do a load of laundry tonight...running out of warm socks for this cold winter season to wear:)....other then that...things are swell!!!

simple known truths

..i received an email today from a person who is dear to me and even thought the email was polite in content it brought a thought to my mind that we should always treat other people with kindness and honesty and in general treat them better then you would want to be treated in the same situation (this is especially true in relationships with some or well understood inclination of "boy/girl-friend or dating" scenario)....because if you're mean to someone inevitably (and i'm close to framing this idea as fundamental cornerstone of human action/ reaction) the action will always return back to the "initiator". i know that most of you are well aware of this already in their lives, i'm only reminding this to myself because time to time certain well known truths - learned and maybe slightly forgotten but by no means unknown - return to me and jump in front and remind me to stick to them and not to push them aside for later use. .....

....i was walking home today and i realized that i could be so very impulsive, and there are times that it is probably necessary - like in the parties or on the dance floor, but inevitably the impulsiveness and the ruggedness of the emotion scares people whom it is shown in all it's force....i guess it's a good rule to do everything in life in moderation? but why? it is so nice to receive spur of the moment things, ideas, gifts, letters, notes, confessions and attention - this can't come just from moderation in life. don't these actions spring forth from the impulses in us and such impulses should be cherished?...maybe the other truth is that if you scare someone with the openness of your impulse..it means they're not ready to receive it...they're not open...well plain they're not the same wavelength and i guess that should be used as a good measure to understand who's got the same spirit and life-love as you.....

...i think people love their life in different ways...or it could be called a habit?...some are not used to surprises, some thrive on surprises, some have it all planned, some don't know what they'll eat for lunch let alone dinner...etc...personalities? expectations? culture? upbringing? open-mindedness?....so on and so on...

ok..it's time for my homework:
i need to find definitions relating to architecture for following 10 words:

frozen, overwhelming, limitless, distorted, enchanted, dramatic, craftsmanship, tortured, massive, religious....

things happening for a reason?

I really want to stick to this belief that things happen in our lives for a reason, otherwise this life has too many questions and not enough answers. I'm scared to believe that everything in life is a big chance and circumstance...it would mean that too many important things in life are left up to a chance. It would mean too many important relationships could have not happened if I was a minute early or a minute too late somewhere, somehow. I am scared in general about what I am basing my belief system on. I put faith in my parents, but I saw that they have faults and I couldn't feel secure in relying on them. I tried to rely on religion, but then after a certain point too many questions arose that didn't have answers and too many people had too many ideas about religion and it's goodness and purpose, so that didn't seem to be reliable. I tried to rely on my partner for life, yet faults (and now I see that not necessarily his alone but mine as well) kept arising and battering my faith in the unison of two people. I tried relying on the friends (and this one isn't absolutelly prooved to not be working) because I have some good friends in my life that have helped me in hard times, yet they have their own lives and after a good advice and a supporting shoulder they will recede to their place of peace and comfort. More frequently then not I return to the thought that a person should find happiness within and not put their faith and source of happiness in noone else but themselves. But either I'm not at the self fulfillment level yet where I could see how this statement is true or I am sad and afraid to realize and accept that this statement could be true. That there wouldn't be anything and anyone in this world in whom and what we could put unconditionally our faith and thoughts into and receive and unwavering guarantee that it will be there for us. That it will understand us and console us. That it will support us and guide us in our moment of weekness or pat us on the back in our walk of victory. I can strive to go towards a goal where I can be self fulfilling and seek for happiness within, but I am not perfect and never will be, so is it not an error in itself, to rely and seek happiness in myself...who is not perfect and ever-questioning and seeking. Right now it feels incredibly lonely to put all of my hope in myself:)...it sounds funny:)...but I guess what else is there for us....even from all the 6 and more billion people, how come there is noone or nothing else I can rely for happiness but myself. An endless sea of people yet no-one to look for answers but myself?...a statistic just popped in my head...that January is the month with the highest suicide rate....I wonder if other people are pondering similar thoughts to mine in this "blue" month and having found no answers, venture to call it quits and wait for no answers and erase themselves from the race of finding the anwers to millions of questions about everything that this life is and is not...

on the road to recovery...

My "first" day back at work after 2 days of laying in bed....didn't feel so great, but I stuck with it. I think tomorrow will probably be better. And after that I hope I can gear up for a full strength spring and summer season:)...no more illnesses here please. I think this is probably the second most used phrase in the world, but there is nothing or next to nothing more important then your health - while living anyways. There is nothing else to do if there is no health....OK got that out...

talked to BD tonight and found out that almost everyone attended the B-Day party for Matrix yesterday. And it made me smile, how I manage to miss out always when almost "everyone" attends the party:)...I think it is fate or luck or just pure everything happens for a reason...type of circumstance that makes me not show up at the places at the times when there are people that I don't really have anything else to talk about to.

On the same yet another note....I think I make myself too open to the people I like....and people start taking me for granted. I need to keep my reigns tight on this issue, otherwise my pages are being smeared with all kinds of passers by who are curious to peak in yet have nothing valuable to write in my diary and it is getting annoying. I know I am better then that. I know I am smarter then that, so why do I not act that way? No prior experience in posturing myself in this role.
Tomorrow's Sunday, I'm so glad because I have a schedule yet I don't feel like I have to be places at a certain time, I can play it by ear and be late or early at my own will.
Life is still beautiful:) especially on Sunday mornings.....I wish I could get a clear signal to call my dad, I should really call him...

Sick Days

It finally caught up with me...flu. Three small letters that make you feel so miserable. I am so getting a flu shot next year. And I would have gotten one this year if it wasn't for my own stupidity wanting to safe $25.00 and my arrogance that I never really get that sick. Well turns out I can get that sick. My body has dictated its own rules and decided its is time to stay at home and rest and be sick. I am on my 13th linden tea cup in day and a half and countless glasses of water. But the cough won't subside. I sweat like crazy last night, partially due to the fact that I bundled myself in the blankets like crazy and probably also because my body was doing its own thing.
I have a blood lesion in my right eye which scared me almost to fainting when I first saw it, but after talking to couple people I found out it is normal. I must have blown one of the small arteries under my eye from nose blowing or heavy coughing. I hope it goes away in a day or two, because I look a bit like a vampire with one almost red eyeball and one still white eyeball:)...the good thing is I can still see.....yes that's a very good thing.
I have also missed 2 days of work, which is not a very good thing. I will have to go in tomorrow and Sunday to finish my portion of the project which is due on Tuesday. I guess I was going to go into work anyways Sat. Sunday so in a way instead of 4 consecutive days at work I'll get two and then the Monday begins again.
I have been waiting for a phone call but I don't think he will call. And I guess everything in life happens for a reason. Some of us think their ready for something but probably are not ready (that would be me)...some of us are not ready for anything period. Some of us are focused in different direction which is good for their future. So like I said everyone is doing their own thing and probably that is the best for them at this point in their life.
I wish my two movies would come today so that I have a little entertainment in my sick time. I really need to be on my two feet tomorrow and get back into life. I don't like being sick...and who does?

12 min to Friday

it is a late Thursday nite. And I am ready, really ready to go to bed. It has been a long day...nothing particularly exhausting but non the less a long day. Tomorrow is Friday and after that Saturday and Sunday:)...the best days of the week. And the first week of 2007 will be over. I wonder if it still counts that the way you spend your first day you'll spend the rest of the year:) does it apply to the first week as well?...
well to find out here is a bit of chinese prediction for this coming year....for the year of pig itself and for each of the sign:)...

Chinese New Year in 2007 is the Year of the Red Fire Pig. The year of the pig ends the 12 year cycle of the Chinese zodiac. Like the houses of the zodiac, the animals of Chinese astrology are said to influence your luck during the year. Your horoscopes for 2007, the year of the pig, depends on which animal signifies the year you were born.
Pigs are said to be very good matches for tigers and sheep, but do not get along well with snakes and monkeys. Other pigs, rabbits, horses, oxen, rats, roosters, dogs and dragons can make good companions, but the relationships are not always smooth or long lasting.
Babies born in the year of the pig are fortunate and make good partners in life. The pig is modest, sometimes quick to anger but also quick to learn and hard working. Their ability to see things through brings success in business and personal affairs.
If you aren't sure which animal ruled the year that you were born this list will help. To get more specific information and learn more about what the omens are for your future in the New Year, check out related links of interest and find out what else the animals of fortune predict for you in 2007.
Here are a few general conclusions from the opinions of the sages...

Pig : 1911, 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007With the 2006 year of preparation behind them, those born in a pig year finally come into the full energy of their own sign. With all of the patient pig's attention to detail and hard work, the table has been set for this banquet year and pigs will enjoy sharing the feast with their family, friends and business associates. This will be a lucky year — with prosperity coming from success in business but also from unexpected money. Good fortune in 2007 is ahead for romantic adventures. A marriage for the pig this year is blessed with good omens. Family, always important to the pig, will be well taken care of and the home ruled by the pig will enjoy harmony and good fortune. Old business will be successful and new ventures will be fortunate.
Rat : 1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008The clever rat will do well to spend this year planning for the beginning of the next twelve year cycle. This cycle has been a bit difficult, but starting with the rat year in 2008, plans should start to succeed. This year of the Pig is a good time to be with friends and family who are celebrating the fullness of the year. Take care of old business and tie up loose ends that might get in the way of your coming good fortune. Enjoy vacations and hobbies this year. You will need to be well rested when your year begins.
Ox : 1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997 The year of the hard working pig brings good fortune for the ox. The energy is there to get more done and this brings prosperity and success to the sturdy ox. Just remember that this is also a year of celebration. The ox should not become so busy with work that he misses the invitation to the banquet table. It is there that new opportunities will be discovered. The ox should take care to include time for romance in this year's busy work schedule.
Tiger : 1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998 The wild tiger prospered in the year of the dog and the pig will not change your good fortune. Be more cautious this year. The pig invites the tiger to the party, but the guest may find it too easy to spend more than is wise — especially in the early year when the influence of the tiger sign raises the energy. The pouncing tiger must control the urge to jump and learn to walk at the pace of the steady pig. Balance between the banquet and serious business will bring success. It is not wise for the tiger to jump into business or romance decisions this year.
Rabbit : 1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999The rabbit is also a friend of the pig who likes to hop ahead. The clever rabbit will slow the pace and enjoy the friendship and steady good fortune of the year of the pig. The influence of the pig will make rabbit calmer and more ready for serious commitments. This year may add to the rabbit's family either through marriage or children. Business fortunes will be steady but not exceptional. The rabbit will be busy enjoying life and family and have less energy to spend on work.
Dragon : 1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000 Dragon is very happy to see the pig. After a year of challenges by the yipping dog, the dragon is ready to sit at the banquet table and rest. The tired dragon must remember that the dog is not far away and the clouds of the dog year still dampen his fire. The pig year will bring fullness to the dragon who eats slowly. Self control does not come easily to the fierce dragon, but this year there is little energy stored after battling the dog. The wise dragon will spend resources with caution and build strength for new cycle starting with the rat year in 2008. Enjoy the quiet return to fullness and do not get frustrated at your weakness after battle with the dog all year in 2006. Your strength will return. This year plan trips and business ventures that will not need your full power. Success will come slowly. You will find many reasons for frustration with family and coworkers. It is not the fault of others that you cannot provide the energy you need this year. Control your fire breath and you will receive more assistance and find good fortune.
Snake : 1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001The snake will find that he has not been invited to the pig's table. This year is a time of quiet for the snake to lie coiled and waiting for the rat year that will bring a new wave of good fortune. You may enjoy the company of friends and family, but successful results in business will be limited. It is not a good time to begin new ventures or to challenge decisions. Avoid conflicts — they will not bring good outcomes with the opposite pig sign ruling this year. The snake should enjoy home, food and limited travel while planning for the much better prospects coming when the opposing pig sign is no longer dominant. The rat and ox years ahead promise that this next 12 year cycle will be good to the patient snake who gathers resources and plans to move when the time is right.
Horse : 1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002 The horse will be invited to the party, but may find it difficult to get there. The energy of the horse is very different than the pig. The neighboring snake, who sits alone, may try to keep the horse from the feast by hiding the invitations or slowing down the messengers. You may find your business fortunes are delayed by slow associates and misdirected or misunderstood memos. You will not win the favor of the pig with expensive gifts. Spend wisely to pace your resources to last through the coming challenges of the rat year.
Sheep / Goat : 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003 At pig's table, sheep has the seat of honored guest. Luck and good fortune in romance and business are the gifts offered to the lucky sign this year. Gifts of money may surprise the sheep. The pig smiles on family and will shower the sheep who becomes engaged or married during this year with many blessings. Sheep born in this year will receive good fortune from the banquet host. The shy sheep or one who cannot decide may miss the advantage of all the opportunities that this year brings.
Monkey : 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004Monkey will be invited to share the fullness of the table. This year will bring good fortune in business but monkey tends to rush to finish and the pig is a slow, detail minded sign. Expect frustration and delays, but do not get discouraged. These are minor setbacks, not the ill fortune of the last two years. The rat year coming up in 2008 will allow you to enjoy the full benefits of your patient work this year. Take time out to enjoy the pleasant year, it will help you to overcome the small frustrations in business. Be prepared for travel — you may even change where you live. All will be in preparation for the good fortune which the rat will share with you in 2008.
Rooster : 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005 Rooster will be at the feast, but pig is modest and rooster enjoys strutting. Conservative pig has little patience for rooster's emotional displays. In the pig year it is best to work on compromise. The rooster will worry about his seat at the table. Don't be foolish. Stop worrying and enjoy the party. Good fortune comes to the rooster who can copy the pigs steady pace. This does not come easy to the proud rooster and you will find that success this year takes more work. Business may suffer small problems, but a steady pig approach to completing tasks and following through on plans will bring rewards.
Dog: 1910, 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006The dog leaves the dominant energy of 2006 as the pig arrives to close the cycle. The dog will continue to enjoy good fortune, but should look inward during the pig year. The feast of the pig year will be enjoyed by the dog only if it is shared with family and friends. The dog is still full of energy and will find that this attracts new friends. Relationships that begin in this pig year may be a source of good fortune in the next 12 year cycle. Calm and relaxing activities are the best idea for the dog who wants to be prepared for the rat year of 2008.
Remember, whatever the omens portend, for better or worse, you are the final master of your own fate.
These ideas are provided for your enjoyment and amusement and are not meant to take the place of your own good sense.

Well since I'm a sheep it looks like my year should be just fine:)...which I like...I'll definitelly co-operate and try to make the most of it....ruk..ruk:)