feeling feeble

...lately(or maybe not lately at all, but this whole last month) things and expecially little things have gone astray...maybe it is the downside of the cycle of the ups and downs or maybe I'm just more sensitive and have lost the thick skin for absorbing the everyday stuff...
I really don't want to be a weiner but things keep pushing me to be one...like finances (and people keep saying it is only money it comes and goes), but when it goes and goes suddenly you awake with the knot in your throat and realize it goes too fast and how can I possibly stop it. I guess the cycle is vicious. I had a good time a month ago and now I have to "pay" for it with a downer month of sorts. Sometiems I think I have tied myself up so tight I have left no breething room for myself and I'm afraid to suffocate. I want to be free, yet I want things to be in order and I also want things....and I think maybe this last WANT has made me put myself at a volnerable spot. Growing up with much of nothing I think I have the posessive drive of feeling the stable ground underneath me and fast. Maybe I have stretched myself out way too thin... and way too fast as well...How do other people do it? Maybe not too often I see other people crying about it. I seems everyone has some sort of hold on their lives or maybe people take it as inevitable part of life...they are one with the stress and will keep living..

..I am scared...for the first time in my life I think I am financially scared of will I make it on my own. I have survived for a little over a year but will I last much longer?I am at a place where everything suddenly seems too expensive, where new things are unreachable. And I am thinking about purchasing a condo yet I'm thinking "with what u silly girl"??? People int his country save for things like that but it will be a while before I'll get close to being able to enter the saving mode. I want to rely on myself, but I'm not sure I am so dependable. I don't know for whatever eason I refused my fathers offer for help. It's just it seems like people like him probably need their own money more then I do. I thought I am strong and I am young and I will make it somehow,, yet the somehow factor sometimes is sooo scary. Should I give up my car? Will I be renting for ever? How exactly will I pay off all of my debt? I am soo tired. I went to the dentist today in the morning. I got there at 8.30 and left at 1.00p.m. and at the end she presented me with the future bill of works $9,000? I'm not sure if I am insane but for all the things I have payed the dentists in USA i think I could have made a good downdeposit on a good condo already. Or maybe I should have become a dentist, because I don't think I need a work worth $9,000 done. All I want is a beautiful smile without an insane price tag. But here is the mean face of capitalism on the other side facing me. I came to work and I burst out into tears, partially from pain from anestesia wearing off but partially because I felt so alone, so absolutelly alone....I konw I have parents but I can't burdain then with my problems they have problems of their own. I know they will worry and try to helo me with their little income, but that would be such an injustice for them to have to send their earnings to me where money just dissapears out of the wollet the minute you open it. ...ok I didn't mean to complain and for all I know I tried to be discrete with my problems even here and keep the wining to the minimum. I just wish sometiems I coudl rent a shoulder and an ear to talk and cry on. And this sounds pathetic because I do have friends, my problem only how do you interupt a friends day and potentially a positiv outlook on life with my bleak state of mind. It is not fair. I love life, yet sometimes there is so much of it and so little control over it and it is so easy to feel completely lost.