it's good to have friends

hey you...so I'm having a good day:) it's not bad at all. And I had a good IM session with my one and only true "sex and the city" girlfriend:) prettyjbean...he hee
...the value of being able to put things into words and tell it to a friend is immense instead of keeping it all in.
...well so it's a good thing (as Martha would sat:) I have also a girlfriend that inspires me as well and since she's the gadget queen I'm trying to slowly tag along and fill in my life with gadgets as well....well the way I look at it I'm working on my technological disfunction and with a slight delay will learn to push the buttons and work the wheel on my new i-pod that I got last night.
Honestly I got a bit nervous too, thinking of the long trip/vacation/ flights ahead of me and having no music to fill my ears endlessly.....would be a reason to feel crabby too often...so I needed some help.

I'm a bit nervous todayl. Had a cup of coffee which I swear should have been a decafe but I'm not so sure anymore, cause I'm feelin jitters inside. Gotta go in a minute to fill up on water.
Things are looking so good ahead. The long visit with a friend in Bulgaria...major beech time (whole 9 days) at the Black Sea!!! Potentially discovering my roots (the place/ the house/ the city I was born in) and maybe saying Hello for the first time in my conscious memory to my father:) sounds so silly and unreal...
...then flying back home to Latvia, spending some quality time with my mom and going to a High-school reunion and seeing all of my friends (being judged, looked up and down - shrug_uuuuuh) and maybe seeing some happy to see you smiles as well from dear friends. Then setting up my mom with a computer and getting her computer literate (I'm so happy she decided to go back for her bachelors). And potentially looking for some investment apartment in Riga. Never know what the future might hold...heheee

so many things in my head....maybe that's what gives me jitters as well....the summer ending full of unexplained and strange things and happenings and events:)
ok. jbean....fly your small philippino buddy back home and let's do the Maple country trip!!! Ihaa

sucka, sucka, sucka

...great...1.49a.m. in the morning and I'm trapped at work. Damn parking garage locked my car keys in, I can't get home to get the necessery few hours of sleep so that I don't look like zombie tomorrow morning or as a matter of fact the whole day. Worst of all...had to ask my husband to come and pick me up...ugh....so crazy. He's got my second set of keys...where is my brain. I must have both sets so as not to fall in situations like that. Jenn I was going to call u right now...but felt so sorry for disturbing you sleep, since u're probably SO deep asleep after a fun and drink filled evening. Good dreams.

highs and lows

why is it so easy to slide from one end of the spectrum to the other. The day has seemingly gone good but somehow at the end of the day I feel so low......
..for some reason the thought of how good it would be to cuddle with someone at this moment crosses my mind. I have several people in mind, but very well know that none of them are the right ones and will never be and are actually totally wrong for me in everyway.
...you reach a point of wanting the independence, but yet want someone to rely on for warmth, and they both don't go together for me at this point in my life.
...ohh... this path I predict is going to be so long...if administered with all of my instructions to myself in mind and sticking to the etchics right hand.
..I saw a beautiful movie yesterday with a roommate and we both loved it. One of those happy ever after movies "Must love dogs". And I do love dogs, but the movies wasn't really too much about dogs, but all about finding the right one at the right moment....
...just a thought, but could it be that the depth of love increases with the age. I mean do we realy understand how much we can love someone at 18 and for what reasons - as well as we can (or maybe not) understand it at 30? I'd hope that by 30 u've gone through so much and bumped your shoulders with so many other people that you would be able to tell when the right person came in sight...there - that's the one.

just a weekend update

so some things have been happening and have have stayed the same. Kind of a strange weekend in some respects. In general a good weekend for life lessons and thoughts for the future. I discovered that the rational people you thought are decent, can be carried away into depths that u wouldn't have expected them to go to, but then again maybe an overwhelming amount of beer and a soon to be marriage is playing it's poart on a persons brain. I'm certainly not happy with myself on one part for not seing soon enought the cenario in development but happy enought with myself that I can rely on myself and my emotions to guide me to not step over the last line at a difficult moment.
I learned that givng friends lessons can backfire back at you and the ethics you want to preach can not be applied to all people identically. And there is a big truth to be recognized in the saying to think it over 10 times in your head before blurting it out to other people.
Some of the things I recognized to myself this weekend:

I'd rather have a dear friend then let my tongue preach about things I yet don't have a clear picture in my head about.
I'd rather have a good long time friend, then a one night stand.
Marry someone only if you feel like you could give up your life for that person. Nothing short of that will do. Or you get goosbumps, or you have too much in common to ignore it.
Petty is not a road to happiness for anyone.
Independence requires sacrifices.
All men have a game plan. Women should get one too. (I don't have one yet that's why I've been called naive/compulsive/ and as wanting too much too fast) when all I want is the reality and the honest bonding time. I'll dwell on this more in the future.
Never let anyone take naked pictures of you when you're drunk. (is this still me writting)??? unless you're drunk with your husband who you married because he was the one you were willing to give up your life for:)

ok...other than that...I spend a weekend with my dog and took her to the doggy park, came home too later to go to work on a weekend, which I should have done and I'll be paying for it tomorrow having to do too much work too fast.

Ok. I'm approaching my sleep time rappidly. Brush my teeth and to bed.
Ar labu nakti.

highlights of the day

1. got a free mango smoothie - compliments of the office:).

2. talked to a friend about the forthcoming trip to Europe.

3. played around in google-earth:) and wasted some time, precious time.

3. realized that I want a book on something good and pleasing.

4. discovered that must be more open, generous and forthcoming....and less jugmental (hard at work on that one). But then again I always struggle with these stupid self development ideas. ugh...

5. saw a really weired picture of the friend stuck in Staunton, VA...

6. realized that I need a camera for my trip so that I can take lots of lovely pictures of the friends, sea and leisurely activities:)

7. must stop torturing myself with too many controdicting ideas and views....
(another ugh).
...fine...

need a vacation

so here's the deal...must have a vacation soon. I don't think I've had one in what like 3 years... a serious vacation. I want to let go and get out of everyday, and everyday thougths.
So far so good in my new settings. Friends treating me nice and slowly, slowly the sobbing feeling and the deep sorrow for another is starting to crawl away.
Attachment can be so strong a feeling alsmost feels like love - it is so tricky in it's enveloping form. Maybe I should revert to the old good saying "time heels all wounds" altough I'm sure there will be oponents to this saying as well...but for now it sounds good to my heart.

From all the turmoil of trying to pick the right paths of travel in my life and silly advising others on love matters (which I feel more and more strongly I'm not to partake of anymore) I feel the creativity has left the house. The desire for new material and inspiration has reached an all time low and that's expecially a strong sign that I need new energy's and experiances soon.

It is so tireing to be constantly thinking about everyday stuff over and over and over. Am I right? Am I wrong? Should I or shouldn't I that I feel I'm incapable of thinking about anything decent at all anymore. What happened to my potry writting years, what happened to my singing years, where have gone the smells and happy sounds of wind and rain and grass and bugs, I can't hear anything anymore.....


I've been catching up on email with my friend from Pitt....she told me today that she feels like I'm an old friend from childhood:) I laughed in my head how it almost didn't happen - me not understanding her caracter and personality at the beginning when I first met her and almost not making the connection that has now lasted 6 years.
Then I remebered how I was going thought a hug therapy with my friends and friends of friends trying to erase my shyness to hug people whe I feel a strong need inside to hug them.
I hate the feeling when you meet someone and you know you should hug them or your body wants to continue the travel towards the hugging but your brain halts you in the process. As well when people part they should always hug, because if you don't you feel (or at least I feel ) like I haven't said a proper good-bye and/or closed the circle of communication with the person. You meet - you hug - you talk - you laugh - you leave - you hug (circle closed).

Ohhh...why is my head so empty! I wish I knew what I want to do useful after work, or how to enrich myself. I've been having the most difficult time of reading the book I started 'bout 2 months ago now.... "The rule of Four" and I'm crawling throught the pages.
Ok... let my head rest:)