late nite drifting of thoughts

I was trying to go to bed and all these thoughts were rolling around in my head as if a tornado was spinning in the plains of my left and right lobe. I was talking to my dear friend last nite and I felt like I have been daydreaming my life away and she has lived a thousand years ahead of me. My little heart with it's little experiances and little understanding of the world. So after returning to my room I had thoughts just spinn around in my head in no particular order. I love to have conversations, I believe I haven't applied myself to all the conversations I could have had with people around me on a dayly basis. I guess the daydreaming always kiks in and covers my eyes with sunny disposition that dosn't produce the urge or the necessity for anyone's conversations but my own with myself.

I don't want to suffer,
I don't want to suffer in vain.
I want to learn from my pain
to know to ask you for forgiveness
before we derail.
And I will try to build the passage,
route or path that works for
what we call our love train.
I don't ever want to see you leaving
once I've found you to be
my positive element in my negative.
I don't ever want to be an echo
in the place where you will settle down to live.

I'm asking myself to never let me have to lament
on the truth I could have brought to lite,
expecially when you and me together
feels so completely right.

and the wheels keep spinnin:)

...hey I think we can live without "g's" except of course in BG:)
but back in the office, keepin this Friday rollin. Counting down hours and min. till the happy hour:). Got back from travelin yesterday, had a really productive personal trip and a good work trip as well. It was funny how silly ideas can make impacts once the big ideas have failed.
Here is a little somethin, somethin from my personal time during travelin:)

on the flight...

I can't let loose,
I've tried many times,
I've cried and I've tried
to let go of my fears.

But uncertanties of
everyday moments
are piercing my heart
like poisonous spears.

I can't let go.
I've pushed and I've pulled,
I almost fooled
myself not to care.

But the more I try
the more I'm tied
by concerns and heartburns
and worldly stares.

I can't rip myself
from the enchanted womb,
from the squeezing grip
of this society.

The longer I wait,
the more I'm unborn.
Like sand through fingers
I'm slippin from me.

...unintentional...

Not to be direct, or overly pushy,
or in your way in anyway.
But looking at you I got to tell you,
I'm fallin for you now everyday.

You go about your tasks and your errands,
hummin' your way unknown to my heart.
If I had wit I'd try to direct you to look my way
but I've lost my smarts.

I'm looking at you looking at me looking at you
with my big brown eyes.
I didn't know I'm such a good actress,
but you still don't know what I hold in disguise.

Not to be forward or overly open,
or be in anyway off the hook.
All I'm saying if you're willing to hear it
my emotions right now are an open book.

...finding u...

I'm on a road to reach the destination.
When will it come I don't really know.
But if I see you while I'm going,
how will I know you, how will I know.

The wings are spread and the wind is lifting
the vehicle that takes me away.
But if you were sitting right here besides me
still unknown to me what would you say?

The dark cloak of sky has spread around here
and only stars illuminate paths.
But if I could see your eyes crossing mine
how on earth would I know if will last.

I'm crossing bridges and busy highways
looking for someone I haven't yet found.
But if I happen to cross your path
I'd call that place my happiest ground.

...pure...

To be pure what does it mean?
To have a pure heart,
to have a pure mind,
to have pure thoughts,
were do you start?

To experiance pure joy
with no suspicions or decoy.
To have a pure soul
what must be your goal?

Do you desire, do you have wants?
Do you reach what you set out to do,
or does your pure way bring you to screatching halt
when you want to go through?

Do you have friends and if so are you equal?
Do you give when they want to receive?
Do you put their needs before you and in return
do they comfort you when you grieve?

Do you expect things or have expectations
on this road that you're following now.
With all the pureness you have and posess
do you question yourself sometime or somehow?

to exist

The hardest job to do
is to make yourself see each day
the usefulness of one's existance,
the necessity to carry on,
the contribution made at the end of the day.

Am I blind or blind folded?
Sometimes it seems I don't understand
what am I holding.
The thing in my hands, my life
feels like it is getting stabbed
each passing day with a naked knife.

Lost cause or lost way,
not sure which one is worst.
Feels like I'm familiar with both.
Now looking for a door out.

Not understanding, completely in the dark.
Where the road is leading?
Did I take a wrong turn,
were my eyes misleading?

"Lines"

I have a friend
who followes the line,
and I have a friend
who crosses the line.

Some of my friends
like to push the line.
They tend to eat alone
and feel just fine.

Some of my friends
like to hang by the thread.
They're easy going
and even easier mislead.

A few of my friend's friends
have stepped over the line.
Their new house has lots of bars
and a steady supply of
illegal cigars.

For most part
I just stand in lines
for friends, for food
and for occasional good time.

the holliday without a holliday feel

so it is another Monday...maybe good maybe not so good. I felt very sad last nite, still rumaging through myself to find the reasons why. Had a very nice dinner with friends, yet at the end of the nite I was feelin very lonely. I was thinking about things like....people usually speak about other people and what they don't like in them and I remembered in high school we used to tease each other how the things you find in other people that you don't like are actually the things in yourself that you refuse to see as your own faults but you tend to pick it up very well in others. Hm.... just thinking and thinking.

Here's another one of my little soul searching poems of the nite:

It isn't all fun and games,
I was a foolish and dreamer girl,
When the clock hit around twelve,
All magic away in the wind swirrled.

I was a foolish and dreamer girl,
I allowed my hopes to carry me on,
Then the end of the road suddenly showed
and the joy was suddenly gone.

I allowed my hopes to carry me on
Didn't know what to do if I loose.
The feeling of love was foreign to me,
so naive, I let my heart bruise.

Did not know what to do if I lost,
the battle of finding myself.
Still I'm dreaming of winning this war
of disfunction of every day.

I'm hoping that everyday I can get a little bit closer to finding my way. Was reading a book over the past week on finding answers. Cause that's what I seem to be looking for, but there was a paragraph in it that said that the life is to look for answers not to find them. If you've found an answer you're misleading yourself. I think it could work for me, because I don't see there being an answer out there, there are always more questions to come and there always seem to be a side unaccounted for.