people in love phobia

.........I've got a confession. And I hope I can put it down correctly. U know how they say that when two people are in love they only have eyes for each other they're oblivious to the rest of the world.

I got two friends like that right now... ... and I must admit it makes me uneasy. I know I'm still very much unsecure in my own skin (getting better thought I feel each day slowly). I suppose I'm a bit scared of being looked passed or over for one reason or another and expecially since both of them are in love (well the good news are that not to each other otherwise I would have lost 2 friends instantly). ( a small laught) ha haa...
...I have trust in my girlfriend who I know very much has explored her limits and tolerances and has capability not to loose the sight of the world while still being in the midst of love perfusion and conception (I have to check up if I'm not pushing the limits of logic of english here). I know she'll still extend her arm and heart to the people around her and keep you part of the circle.
However I'm not so sure about the other friend who is in love and who I've never seen in love. I'm not sure how he will act around friend while in love. My big suspicion and uneasyness is that I will see a friend with glazed over eyes and I know that I have a tendency of wanting to get away from the company of people who can't pay attention to the world or more precisly friends.
Plus I suppose in general people don't like to be ignored or looked by......expecially by someone they consider a friend.
(sidenote: is there actually a subject in the world that a person can not turn into a philosofical dilemma/ thing).
Ok I suppose my inssecurities are breaking out again.. I'll stop complaining. blah, blah, blah.
...............ok final note. I think I'm posessive of my friends:)

ready to head home

Wednesday,,,,so crazy hot outside, but I'm not going to turn on the AC. I like it hot the motion of the wind is moe calming than the AC. Got a big talk coming up tonight....brrrrr.
So hate confrontations. Wish we could just read each other's minds and then react to it:)...heheee I suppose that would be suicidal in it's own way.

Ok, had a nice IM session with my lovely archwizz friend:)named Jenn and the life.
Ok bye for now:)

the usual and some unusual

.... (notice 4 dots not 3:) messing around the blog when I should be putting on the final touches on the finish board for my client presentation tomorrow. How typically me....laugh...I wonder if I'll ever learn or grow out of this habit of taking things easy at deadlines:):):)

..but for real I know it is very important but all it takes for me is to imagine the gazillion of stars and the millions of years before me and after me and somehow the deadline evaporates like a light fog 9well not completely)....
....like that too I've become too loose with my mouth as well. I made a comment for which my conciousness bugged me yesterday on my way home and I had to call a co-worker first to consult and then another co-worker to appologize. Well we're even cause he made another comment back at me today so all things are taken care of and we're square.
...on another note...and I'll have a few tonight:) my future roommates are in a conundrum( iihaa a new word I mastered) and I'm proud of myself for handling myself fine this time around. I've learned from the painful/hurtful past that have left some barely noticable to the passer by scars in my heart (but that have shaped my path to this point to big degree) to let the things roll their own way and not rush into things/ presummptions/ dissapointments and rejection/loneliness..but to put a big cussion of friendly laughter between me and the world ( the real world) so.....prettyjbean can be proud of me cause I'm taking the things like a trooper and learning things too.

hm what else. yeah the intern burned me a cd, nice of him and u know what I'm over him too. I've discovered the more you push the affection/ first presumed infatuation asside and talk and joke to a person the better things work out. Much better than trying to think of smart things to say all the time and having tortured moments, which I suspect I'm just inventing in my head.

...ok gotta finish my stuff and have to go home. So many variable at this point in life. I wonder if that's another thing I'm making more complicated than it is. It's like me going shoes shopping turns into a 2 hour choice making between one style and the other. That's another thing I should rethink the way I approach things. Should make things less complicated and spend less time deliberating.

Ok. that's it for tonight. for real:)

rolling salt drops

It is good to cry once in a while, so I don't really mind it , the only thing I really don't like in the process is the lonelyness of it.

But so I got to feel the drops on my cheeks again after a long time on Saturday. It makes no sense in recapturing the circumstances, it just reminded me that life is the cycle of ups and downs and friendship is no different. The only thing else I would like to add is that I wish I could let my guard down at least with my friends and not have my words analyzed in the middle of the night and used against me. I really don't like drama, even though sometimes I think there is some flattery in it since people who fuss with you care for you either in good way or bad way.
Either way, there are bad days and there are good days and then there are sensitive days and I guess it was one of those sensitive days.
It's just that I have so few real friends it would be nice to know them for real and keep them for real.

I went to the imigration today and I guess it could have been worst. Due to all the high security this country and maybe the rest of the world is facing the whole processing time is being delayed tremendously. And how nice of the imigration buerau to say that their 1-800 number people don't really know a thing so "don't listen to them"...Very (not) assuring. But I got my work, living, traveling permit extended for a year. The projected real interview date is July/ 2006..........whole craazy year away. I was thinking that maybe circumstances are against me, but maybe I'm supposed to learn from this. They say that nothing happens without a reason. I'm just left to figure out the great lesson that I'm supposed to learn from this situation.

when dreams scream at you!!

So it is very bizarre, I don't 100% believe in horoscopes but I think it is based on truth, I don't 100% believe in dreams but I think there are messages in the dreams by our subconsciousness or whoever.

I have extreeeeemly vivid dreams time to time and I dream a lot. So when the dream is so sharp that I can tell all the minute details of it the next morning I think something is up, expecially if it repeats itself in the same week with the same motiff behind it.

I dremt 3 days ago:
...it was winter, deep snow, dark, dark night very cold, windy surrounded by dark forest and I'm in a parking lot in an SUV trying to get away, but I'm blocked by a car or something else. Infront there is a ramp I floor the pedal and run over the ramp and turn the car over..land on the roof get myself out of the car and proceed to walk away. Suddenly...a fox runs out of the forest and comes full speed at me, it bites my hand really hard, but can't penetrate the skin. I take it by the jaws and throw it away back into the forest. It comes running out again, fierce and very angry and attacks me again and I take it again by the jaws and throw it away from me. Then it comes out for the third time and bites me really hard, I can see it wants to kill me. I put each of my hands around each of her jaws and rip them and twist them apart unti I hear the head crack, I know the Fox is dead and I throw it back in the forest.....I walk away. No blood. The end.

Dream last night. I'm on the ocean liner/yacht with an old friend of mine and a guy (who I know I recognized in the dream but can't recall who it was). We're swimming in the pool that doesn't have a bottom, so it's filled with ocean water. I'm swimming but suddenly turn around and see a HUGE white shark with it's teeth open charging at me. It takes a huge bite out of my upper arm, but I can see no blood only that my flesh on the arm is torn and hanging. I get out of the pool but pool has very skinny edges not more than a foot and the shark is trying to reach me by jumping out of the pool on the edges. I'm crawling up the wall and hanging from the pipes that are in the corners and all along the pool walls. The pipes start coming loose and I fall in the pool again but get out before the shark can bite me. I crawl my way up to the ceiling which is incredably low and I'm hanging side ways from it, pulling up my feet every time the shark jumps out of the pool to get me, this goes on for sometime. I call my friends if they can help me if they have a gun to shoot the shark. They say they have a gun, but they have no intention of helping me or giving me the gun. I'm helpless.
While hanging at the ceiling I see a barb wire with long thorns on it running the length of the ceiling, I tear it off and try to hit the shark with it hoping it will cause it some injury. Finally the shark starts bleeding and in one of the takes it swallows the barb wire and chokes, it lodges in it's thoat. The shark is dead.

In both dreams the eyes of the animals were so full of anger with such a deep desire to kill me that I think that's part of the reason why I can't forget both dreams. It felt so real.

I guess the brite side is that I killed them both, so whatever harm is headed my way....will it really be harmful? or is my subconsciousness just going on a wild ride with my head?

chillin

so heaa I am chillin again at work, kind of need based kind of voluntary again....I realized today that I still want to grow maybe go back to school and develop before I take on responsibilities even like being respoinsible for the final "correct" construction document set. Life feels so much nicer if you're not blogged down by such responsibilities...or at least I wouldn't mind them if the "blog down" work was inspirational.
I must be free, I want to be free and I want to know how it feels not to have security (well to a certain degree:) but how it feels to make it on your own. I'm so intrigued and can't wait to see how will I manage on my own, to arrange my life to work out a plan and to let loose.
I feel I have 99% of the brain unutilized and in dier need of filling in with all sorts of experiances and knowledge to grow and shape myself into someone self-sufficient and productive.

On the other hand my nails have grown quite long and I noticed I'm playing with them from time to time, maybe that's also oe of the resons why I didn't have hem long before because I tend to look at them more and pay more attention to them that takes time away from other things...silly.

back from long absence

prompted by a very dear friend...here I am again filling up the "imaginary" pages of my blog. It has beenone months an one day since the last time loggin in here. I was seriously hoping to be living in a new place with fun people by now, but life is cruel sometimes and I'm still living a fake married life and looking with hopes into the mailbox every evening hoping to fins my letter of liberation.

..well I hope it is good since it is taking such a long time to get to me.

On the other note...it is Friday and I want to go out and have fun, but none of my real friends are around and co-workers are hurrying back home so I guess I will not be having any beer tonight or laughter. I hope the homies from Michigan and California get back soon, soon so that I can feel a friendly presence again inDC.

It is so nice to have friends like that to miss then and to have them come back into your life.
I wonder " and now this sounds like an excerp from the SEX AND THE CITY:) can we get too attached to our friends???

:)

I suppose it is another form of intoxication to have the need to feel needed and liked...but I think everything is good in good doses.
Yeah, so my 3 time visit to Africa is a trip of the past:) and I'm feeling fine. I got a little heartbroken there for a couple of weeks, but as I told myself earlier I need all kinds of experiances to grow so that was part of the beginning and I survived. It is just so strange to see the different patterns of behaviour an dlife that different people have....some with honesty, some with being upfront and some pulling you and and not having enough courtesy to tell that it was nice/ or not nice but it is over.

So what has happened in the past month note worthy? I started growing my nails:), I just got a haircut...too short (have to work on my lines of communication with a hairdresser), I got a new roommate in a house that I'm still not living:), my dear friend got back from Europe and looks great, and my other good friend is buying an apartment for too much money for the square footage that it is.

Hm...also I started going regularly to the gym and I've been working on the new layout and finishes of my future office space in Crystal City. Exciting...this will be the biggest space up to date (13,000 sq.ft.) that I have actually picked everything for..starting from furniture to furniture color, carpets, paints, wallcoverings, lights, fixtures etc...can't wait what a jungle I will have created considering the tight, tight budget.

And plans for the future? Go to Latvia sometime end of August/ begining of September, maybe spend a week in Bulgaria per friends invitation, come back and apply for my Master's Degree to GW and pass the last section of the Interior Design qualification so that I can become a member of ASID. Well lot's to do...must have some fun this summer... I want to have fun:)