pre - thanks

so it is late Wednesday evening and I was contemplating of giving thanks before the big day comes and everyone starts giving out their thanks and my thanks would be muddled and silenced by the many thanks that other people are saying and screaming out load.

In no particular order:
1. I'm thankful for my new job, that let's me keep earning money and let's me pay off my bills on time and let's me enjoy my independence.
2. I'm thankful for my co-workers that are nice to me so far:) and expecially for Hank who keeps my day's filled with laughter at work. It is a wonderful feeling to be able to laught at your work so much and still get paid:)
3. I'm thankful for my health that it hasn't deteriorated and that my single dayly pill keeps me moving and stable and I can perform all of the functions and feel good throughout the day. We so rarely realize how extremely wonderful it is to be healthy and not have to think about health on dayly basis.
4. I'm thankful for owning my first car that let's me experiance the joy's of freedom and independence, that keeps rolling well and gives me pleasures of fast motion with trees and roads passing by me everyday.
5. I'm thankful for my close friends, who keep in touch with me all the time despite my lazy character and passive calling habits. I'm thankful that they remember my number or are willing to push a button on their cellphones and are desiring my conversation however trivial it would come out to be. I don't think about it everyday, but I'm very blessed to have people willing to talk to me:) I don't think I realize the beauty of it often enough.
6. I'm thankful for BDMP for hanging out with me for these past 2 months and for showing me good time and hanging out with me and including me in the happy hours with his friends and co-workers. It has been a necessary boost for my self-esteem to see new places and meeting new people and being able to let loose on my dancing moves not worrying what other people might think of it or how awckward I might look on the floor.
7. I'm thankful for my mother, who is at good health and who was able to finish for me the apartment buying procedure back home. I'm thankful for all her patience and courage in dealing with it. I'm happy that she's willing to pursue studies at this stage of her life and that she so seeks my help even thought I'm often lazy to give any help.
8. I'm thankful for having found my father and for having seen him finally face to face this year. I'm thankful for the beautiful card he sent me encouraging me in the stability of his feelings towards me and reassuring me that even thought we're so far apart I have a home in his heart.
9. I'm thankful for knowing Neli my friend who constantly boosts my self-esteem with small nice wards and gifts and for her elocuent talking gifts:)
9A. I'm thankful for living in a country that is safe and let's me go about my dayly life not worrying about safety, but let's me concentrate my thoughts on further self-development as opposed to mare survival.
10. I'm thankful for everyday meals and the variety that I have available, and the fact that I can please my taste buds with goods everyday.
11. I'm happy that I'm a reasonably looking person:) that I have good sight, smell, taste, all limbs and everythings is functioning well. I don't think I say thanks for this often enough, because that's what helps the rest of the things happen and be appreciated.
12. I'm thankful for jjbean in my life who calls me day and nite, who shares her beautiful, naughty and funny thoughts with me and who inspires me technologically and mentally. I'm thankful that I get to stay in her room and feel her presence grow in my life and enjoy her company more and more.
13. I'm thankful for having a beautiful dog. That I was able to fulfill my childhood dream of having and owning a dog and being able to see her whenever I want.
14. I'm thankful for my cousins who keep in touch with me and who have filled in the sister/ brother spots in my life for not having any siblings in my life. It is nice to realize that the heart is what matters, that you can become so close with someone as if you were carrying the same blood and that it doesn't take real blood to feel that way:)
15. I'm thankful for being allowed religious freedom and for being able to make up my own mind in what I want to believe and how much I want to be involved in it, and how often I want to be involved in it.
16. I'm thankful for music, for never ending new songs for new experiances that please my music taste buds, for goosebumps that appear on my skin when I get carried away by a new tune. I'm thankful for an ear that let's me perceive music so beautifully and gives me so much pleasure by hearing it.
17. I'm thankful for being able to dance and move my body and gaining immense pleasure from doing so. I'm thankful that human body is created this way and that dance gives us such pleasure and outlet and stimulas.
18. I'm thankful for the books and the written word that I'm able to read, pick what to read and gain pleasure from reading.
19. I'm thankful for having access to the computer:) where I can express my thoughts...and I think I'm getting to the end of it.
20. I'm thankful for this life in general that I get to wake up every morning, that I remember what I did yesterday and that I have a tomorrow to look forward to and that I'm living and breating in this century and I can make my own goals and make every attempt to achieve them:)

THE END...for now:)

dripping nose and thoughts

I'm in the middle of a war with cold. I never think it is going to hit me hard and that's when it hits the hardest, athought I'm sure I've had it worst. At least I don't have a fever, just a neverending flow of liquid from my nose.....I won't go into more details:)

The day is windy outside with small sparkles of sun here and there, very similar to my mood today - moody. A strang word in general. To think about it, the language is so complex with all it's newances and many meanings for a single word and many contexts for words in sentences. In how many ways the words can be combined to make someone happy, to complement someone and to annoy and hurt someone just by intonation, word choices and placement. I wonder if the old, old saying of " talk is silver but silence is gold" still rings true in current times, where everyone is trying to outspeak the other, and outdo the other and win this or that over the other and consider all such "victories" a road to happiness and fulfillment. I feel lost so often, finding a courage in myself and guarding it and not letting others shatter it in pieces. Trying to learn, relearn, remember the forgotten and refresh that ultimatelly what you think of yourself is what matters, how you feel about the things you do and the things you say and the paths you take. Because if you try to appease the world around you you'll get knocked down so fast that you will not find your way back up. The strenght should come from within not outside, the light we reach for should be found in our hearts not at the end of the tunnel, and one's worth should be measured by the kindness of one's heart not by the sharpness of one's tongue, and by the generousity of the hand not words of wisdom.

I felt content last night finding that I still have a long road ahead of me and what I was perceiving as a fast race should be enjoyed as a long ride. I have nowhere to run, but have a million things to observe and learn, a lot of things to take in and many truths to come to.
BG

tired and inspired

he hey...so it has been a busy day, althought with a very late start, didn't hear my alarm ring in the morning untill I woke up naturally and wondered how so, since I never wake up without struggle - for work anyways. Then I realized the time and it was late. This new office is kind of strange. One minute I will be idle, and the next moment 3 projects get assigned to me at once with request for 3D renderings. Hm....got to refresh big time on how to do any 3D all together but it is managable. I went to a furniture showroom today with one of my co-workers. He is the fidgheting type, the forgetful type and the restless type :) however I like his personality a lot. He is like a ...hm.....waterfall?....keeps moving all the time, never stopping and pouring out ideas again and again and again. He is very inspirational for that reason since I'm the silent type - I think at least in public:) and at work:). I suppose I like the nonstandard attitude he has and the type of feeling that he is lost in his own world and occasionally he peeks out of it and realizes what a chaos the rest of the world is:)!!!
But he's been nice to me so far and that's what counts in the preservation of my curiousity and liking of the new work place. There is a thought in the air (also shared with me in secret by my new inspiring co-worker) that there might be an office renovation ...well for starters the architecture department side. And I love renovations. Althought the current work setting isn't the worst it has a potential of being very inspirational if designed properly and I want to be in on it. Slowly, slowly I feel like what I do in my field is starting to make a bit sense to me althought I still have huge ways to grow. My friend sent me an add for a positon of Director of Interior Design department:) very flattering but I do not feel like I could be directing anyone just yet, I have long ways to go to organize myself and understand where are my right inspirations and sources that I can tap into to make the colors and textures and materials make sense.
Ok. I have to go but I'm happy for today, even thought tomorrow I can forsee I'll have SOOOOOO much to do for Thursday. But I like being busy. Outro BDMP style:)

in a contemplative mood

.. I'm feeling full...just finished a big chicken salad an hour ago, probably had way too much more than I needed and just finished watching a movie. I was just thinking to myself that I must be in a 'love your movies' kind of mood, because the last 2 movies I've watched I absolutelly loved. I love 'Million Dollar Baby' watched it even twice in a row and thought it a great thought and emotion provocing movie, and just finished watching 'Crash' and again I feel all raw inside. I want to call someone and talk about it or share emotions...but it will probably dwindle away the longer I wait and so my great moment of connecting with someone through shared experiance will have passes.
Only words like PATIENCE comes to mind after seeing 'Crash'. We are all so volatile in our daily lives and we definitelly need more breething room and sit and sip your coffee room and stop and smell the roses kind of room in everyday life. I do not want to live in a world that doesn't have people who can control their rawest emotions and not bulch them on to others for the sake of venting. So much harm could be prevented by a bit more patience and relaxation...it is too scary to even think about it.
My favorite character in the movie....almost everyone and expecially the black detective dude and Sandra Bullock's role. So crazy to realize that we all have this bottled up anger inside of us and she kept being mad and bitchy at people for no apparent reason untill she get's the revelation and understanding that the problem is in her not the circumstances around her. A great group of actors in Crash too all very well fit for their roles and actions. I felt sorry for Jennifer Espositto's role how she saw the misfortune of her friend detective when his own mother pushes him away after finding out her youngest son has been killed. It is such a helpless place to be in, to see another person crumble and fall into emotional abysse and not be able to reach inside the person and hug them and caress them and let them know that you are there for them and you're trying very hard to understand the depths of sorrow they're going through if they only let you in to share in it.

I love people and their many ways and actions. I do have prejudice living inside of me I admit - I've seen it surface but I hope I can erase it day by day and get to a neutral state one day and see beyond race and color for my own sake. Ok. gotta check into my netflix to see what other mind bending movies I can have come my way.

Lazy Saturday afternoon

...eating a pomegranatte and trying to get sleep out of her eyes, after going to bed too late. Feeling a bit dehidrated, a bit sleepy but not willing to go back to bed and loose the beautiful sunny daylite hours that are playing on my window sill.
Have no real pattern to my thoughts other than that they are twirrling like blown leaves in a circle in my head. Jumping from pile to pile and leaving a few leaves here and there. Am I still talking about my thoughts:)?
Payed all my immediate bills this morning and after carefully recalculating all of my expenses and making a monthly chart of all of my responsibilities, I was pleasantly surprised that I have about $200.00 left over to work with he he hee. Well with my recent spending habits and my recent vacation back home and the unintentional splurging that came with that I'm in a little bit of credit card debt, but I'm digging myself out of it fast so that's good. By New Years I shall have a clean slate to work with and start catching up on my main payments.
Work is going fine, it even put many smiles and laughes on my lips yesterday, seems people are coming out of their shell and I'm coming out of mine and communication is a wonderful thing, and people are great. One of my co-workers...a person who is going through a mid-life crisis..divorce, children and a funny case of ADD made me see that a sense of humor has survived in spite of all the unfortunate and unavoidable life's troubles. It is still one of my number one pleasures in life to be able to laugh and I'm so happy that I can bring and find laughter at my work and among my co-workers.
On another note, I felt suddenly older this morning after going out with friends last nite. The music was nice, the groove was on but somehow it didn't strike the cord last nite and I was wondering if I'm slowing down or what was missing? Seems I had good company! Deep down I am missing my she-Montreal friend...little Ms. cute JB....and maybe having all these guys around me left me with noone to sincerely enjoy the moment with. I just want to dance, and I don't want to guard myself when I'm dancing, I don't want to think who I have to dance next with I just want to Dance. Maybe I just need a new pace and something new to do. I did finish my 6 months book and started a new one:) he hee not reading exactly 200 pages a nite but I'm moving along and enjoying it. Ok....I think I lost my train of thought...seems like the wind has died down and I will take some time to read my book since I have no immediate thoughts that could take away my attention from the reading material.

went I want it I want it really bad!

Is it only with me...when I want something I want it really bad. Big Daddy coaching seems to have settled on some lonesome flower that we maybe passed on that far spring day when I was coached, because the wisdom hasn't settled a bit into my head. I don't know what I need to do.
It's a plain tragedy...(although I suppose tragedies are never plain). I don't know what I need to do. Affection and opposite sex has a devastating effect on my mind...can't think...can't concentrate...can't, can't, can't. Who ever said that we think about sex (and everything opposite sex related) every 5 min. has obviously not done a study on me. Why is it that I feel so fine certian time and no need for me at all and then I'll see someone and it is like someone turned a switch on and filled my head with blinding light and my eye's..poor eyes can't see straght, can't focus. It has happened to me time and time again.....I DO NOT BELIEVE I WILL EVER CHANGE. People say it will pass with experiance...ok but I've felt like this already for...hm....5 people in the 10 year period. Why haven't I learned yet?????
The other nite I talked to my sex-in-the-city girlie and discussed the horoscopes. I understand it can be an obsurd reasosning form my side...but I can not ignore it.... There are certaint hings that ring so true when I read stuff about me. Am I to deny it, ignore it or search for answers somehwhere else.....and by the way I don't know wxactly were tos earch either.
I admire u jb for knowing the exact reasons why u like someone, but I don't. It just hits me. I see a person...I look at them..maybe don't realize it at first, but one morning I wake up and I know I really, really like them. It might be that I have analized it in my subconscious...but at some point during my REM'S the light has been switched on and I'm blind. I can't organize...anything when it comes to liking someone. I I should probably stop using the l--e word too, probably is too strong, but ok I got a big fire of affection burning inside of me. And by the way once I'm blinded...I don't analize that he might not be the one....at that point I'm able to overlook all the imperfections and incompatabilities...because I'm blind. So there I guess at least one conclusion I have come to....and this has been resonated by my farther this summe..."the heart is big, u can love again and again and again. Ok enough with the love word already. I think I feel lonely again. And it is again due to this affection blindness, when I'm filled with it, everything else seems more sharp, dramatic, so the moments of lonelyness are killing me. I need to find a relief....read? music?run? dancing?....been doing all of these things....nothing works...

ok electronic diary....keep the secret:)

loves on my mind again...but yet I don't have a hold of it

...no this is not borrowed from my friend's friend....dot, dot, dot:) these are BG's dot's:)
thinking about how to start the blog still. And still not having a complete reign of my thoughts. Maybe I'll never will. Sometime I feel I'll be in the mercy of whatever my mind pops out at the momet for all my life....I don't drink coffee, yet I feel like the head is under a constand caffeeine overdose and the thoughts are just floating out there in high altitude and if I'm lucky a certain thought cloud decides to float lower and be reachable....
....so here I am...end of work day and just read a smal paragrapgh on love on my best friendster's blog and now I'm feeling thoughtful. Why is the most ideal of human passions eluding me for so long already. Is it waiting until I'm ready? Is it sensing that I have not yet defined myself and that I'm unaware still of implications, folds and abysses that come with love?
When am I going to be ready? Well will I know that it isn't a mare enfatuation that I'm feeling but that I have love in my heart and infront of me?