I think I'll be sick

feeling tired and cold and behind.... I think I'll be sick. I want to sleep. I got enough sleep last nite I think but I feel I want to crawl back in to the bed right now and sleep for another 10 hours at least under the warmth of my fluffy blanket. I think I needed an extra weekend day to just cleana and relax and do absolutelly nothing or maybe do something productive. Desperatelly waiting for the next weekend. I think I'll skip the "HH" and the drizanks to come and just relax and maybe study a bit. Ahhh 4-1/2 more days to go:(

researching the trees

I looked at palm trees because that is what I had proposed for the design motif for the hospital on my project at work, but I guess it is looking so abstract that people have hard time recognizing it as being a palm tree...not my fault though:)
...so now we've switched to the Magnolia tree. I'm researching what exactly the Magnolia tree looks like and how we can break it down into some geometric form to apply the design for about 200,000 sq. ft of corridor space in a hospital setting. Meanwhile while researcing both the tree's I stumbled upon the Tree of Life:) there is definitelly a lot of images on the subject online and it made me think of the concept behind the tree of life. ( I even saw a cute tatoo of the tree of life...which lead my thoughts to another direction that if I ever get a tatoo it could be one of the trees:):):):) but never mind.

The tree of life. Maybe I'm so much into the tree's because I don't have a very stable family "tree" myself and maybe there is some underlying desire for a solid and stable ground in my life. But the concept is certainly fascinating. From the "human tree" and all of our inner body parts that can be arranged into a tree form to a "family tree" to a "tree of life". The tree's seem to be spreading and weaving their branches throughout our lives like big green guardians.

...on another note I thought today of the concept of the "beauty is in the eye of a beholder" and it certainly is. I thought of a person and it ached inside to realize I don't have any attachment to that person yet I perceive them to be beautiful. I think beauty is a trecherous force to possess.

strange, complicated and simple life

the perspective on life really changes every day depending on your mood, situation and the conversation partner. And it all always seems so true. Life seems so complicated in certain situations when you don't see the other side or the light at the end of the tunnel. Life seems so simple on other days when the birds sing, the heart is blooming and nothing in this world seems like troubling over about. And then there are days of strange events, outcomes and consequences. So really there is no one definition. Life is everything for everyone everyday. There can never be one definition of such complex yet simple thing. Don't try to even box it in, it isn't really necessary.
And like life we are the celebration of life equally strange in our expectation and presumptions, equally complex in our behaviours and thoughts and equally simple creations with our basic needs. It all really depends on the day or the hour of the day and it all changes constantly. So we are life.......
...on another note, I'm in my complex days right now...where things don't seem to make much sense. Where simple things have dressed into complex invisible cloaks and I'm puzzling over them not understanding what am I looking at. I want to give and maybe I do expect things back, but I understand I will not always get things back. But I have the hope that I will receive if I continue giving. And since we've been told that things go in circle I'm hoping my circle has a happy middle approaching, however I don't know how far from the middle I am:)???

about a boy

it is Friday afternoon officially 5.02p.m.
and I just swallowed a bitter taste of sadness/disappointment...tasted a bit hurtful with a grain of irony and a little bit of shattered hope for tonight...but I'll get over it. I'm a big girl and I should realize that once and for all. My mind is a mine-trap for myself. One of the very first sayings I was tought as I arrived in this country of maze and merryment...."don't put all your eggs in one basket"....but I do it over and over again. I must be a henn or something:) when will you learn little henn heart:(
ok....cheer up and look at the brighter side....the day is still beautiful and you have good friends and good job and hopefully ...when you've left absolutelly all hope or yearning for it....it will come and immerse you like a warm fuzzy blanket and will keep you warm for ever and ever. Outro.

what do I want

I want everything and right now. I feel so restless. I feel like breaking dishes and plates and screeming and jumping and yelling but there's noone around and I feel bottled up inside in some vacuume or space where noone will ever look. Why do I need someone to share this process with me? Because I find a pleasure in the company, I like feeling the warmth of another being besides me. I have been mulling myself and my thoughts over and over and over and I need someone to share if only the silence with. Awwww spring, spring - you bring the warmth and bright sunny skies but you do not bring the blooms to my heart. I feel like my heart has a huge frozen crust laying on it and I have no outlet. I want to peek out sooo badly and see sun and sunny eyes and feel warmth, but it is not coming my way. I want to knock and I feel like whoever will open the door will not be the rescuer, but the scapegoat and I will be mean. Oh why do I want.....

Happy Valentines day BG...

I feel I have left the door open this morning to my heart and the irony has peeked it's nose in and left the footprints while smelling my flowers. (neviens no maniem draugiem kas dzivo Washingtona neapsveica mani Valentina milestibas svetkos....dazi apsveica mani otrie pec atgadinajuma un ne ar ko vairak ka tikai ar vardiem...kur ir pazudusi tieksme sameistarot ko skaistu un patikamu prieks taviem draugiem, pazinam vai darba-biedriem....es paliku augsa lidz 2.00a.m. nakti lai sagatavotu mazus parsteigumus prieks saviem draugiem.....hm....draugiem))) vai es esmu maldijusies???)

I bruise easily too,
listening to a song,
and I deeply long
for an understanding and gentlness.

How much of myself
do I put out there
in the thorny field of love,
before I see any seedlings
peeking through the eyes of anyone.

I'm sad yet half expected to find myself in this place at the end of the day. So next year I will not expect anything at all. Will my heart grow a crust through which little hummingbirds will have no hope of poking through. Next year and maybe the years after that even a missle will not be able to penetrate the surface. Will that be called the death of emotional existance of B.G.? The shell will be left, but the windows will be dark and there will be no flame left to warm the passer -by hearts.
I don't want this path, I will fight the crusting of my heart with all my heart.....promise.

What breed of dog are u:)?

Woof woof! You're a Chihuahua!

No bones about it, you're an energetic, devoted Chihuahua. For your breed, size definitely doesn't matter. After all, sometimes the best things (diamonds, car keys, Godiva truffles) come in small packages. Honest and straightforward, you're never afraid to speak up for what you believe in, especially if it's a cause near and dear to your heart. Having such a passionate personality can come with a few drawbacks, though. You can be moody at times, and people often find it hard to live up to your high standards. But once you make a friend, it's for life. Saucy and intense, your energy and unfailing loyalty make you a great companion. Woof!

Sunday - the day of rest:)???

Maybe, maybe not. I will be going to work today if I'll ever get out of the house. I woke up at 8.00a.m. by myself and that should have been the time I get out of bed. Instead I dozed off again (well actually it was very much worth it cause I had a REALLY nice dream:)) but I got up eventually 10.00 and between cleaning up and breakfast and washing cloth and taking care of the dog the morning is 49min. from being over and I really need to get going:)

Well but before I depart:

"Present"

Your presence is a present I'd gladly accept
on every occasion you feel like giving.
You can wear blue jeans or dress to impress,
when you enter the room I'm glad to be living.

I'm amused to watch you in silence
from a mear foot away or across the distance.
How you break the ice in a crowded room
or slowly melt away my resistance.

And I like the present and the game we play.
You don't know my position and I don't know your next move.
We can make it so simple or as complex as you'd like,
but what is to be gained and what is to be prooved?

Your presence is a moment I reflect upon,
when the day is over and I'm all alone.
I'd like to thank you for being in my life -
still a chaos - and slowly making me grow.

"No Bad"

Bad days don't exist,
they're just days
you forgot to wash you face.
You're looking at the world
through your sleepy eyes
and seeing straight lines
as unconquerable maze.

The days are bright
no matter the weather,
and you don't need coffee
to give you a boost.
And your shoes don't have
heavy stones sewn in them,
you only need
to let your optimist loose.

I walked this morning
with a smile and light hearted
from home to work
on silver rain drops.
I was looking for roses,
smelling beautiful roses
and found a place
where time makes a stop.

Mix it up Saturday:)

had a lazy and I mean LAZY:) morning in bed. I snoozed the alarm with such a delight knowing I had no place to be. Finally felt bad for my pooch and got out of bed to take a long walk with Dayla under the sprinkling skyes with music in my ears. It felt very refreshing and my spirits were high, it was so good to be alive and it still is:)....I think I've hit the optimism gold mine lately:). I'm feeling good and very often with no extra means, reasons or substences:) he he he.

Went to the post office around noon to send my loved ones something special for special occasions in their lives that are fast approaching. Went to get a frozen cappuccino from DD and it didn't really taste as good as from the DD in Alexandria....unreliable chain:) but nevertheless it didn't spoil my mood:)
Talked to my mom arond 1.30p.m. She misses me....and I realized another thing about her, not today but like a week ago. I have really good relationship with some of my cousins and one by one it seems she gets mad or unhappy with these exact relatives that I have a good feeling and relationship with. So I'm starting to observe a pattern. I think she is jealous and maybe unaware of it. But it is becoming very apparent to me. She's ending relationships with people that I really like. Jealousy?!!?!! It is very strange...when I would like quite the opposite - I'd like her to like these people as much as I do, but the exact opposite is happening.

I'm taking Dayla to dog training class in an hour:) should be interesting:) I'm not sure to what extent she's still capable to obsorb information or learn anything since we've spoiled her pretty bad, but she' s still young so maybe there'se hope :)

Ok BG. I had another idea that I came by on my long morning walk today...I think the necessary growth period has begun...and I'm happy for it....that's what I was looking for on my first months of independence and I think I might have started the path.

Here is another one of my morning fruits:

"The depth"

The depth of your mind
was like a thrilling ride,
or maybe a fall down the abyss.
I wanted to experiance this.

I entered your space,
I had to knock on the door.
But then I saw marks on the floor,
I wasn't the first one to enter this way.

And now I find myself wondering,
strolling and gently rolling,
yet oftentimes falling.
Sometimes I feel I've entered the tunnel
with no light in my hand to guide me through.
Clearly now I see I wasn't thinking,
just rushing in to find the shortest way to you.

But now I stopped because I'm lost,
by the landscape I face.
The depth of your heart
is a vast, vast place.

I entered with a hope to find clear signs,
revealing your being and who your are.
But here I am, facing your horizons
and feeling from you ever so far.

speaking friend:)

Hello my friend, I'm so glad u called me today. U're so special, I told you on the phone you're among one of the few friends if not the only one that always and I mean ALWAYS:) boosts my self esteem. If anyone needs their self esteem boosted:) please call 412-508-9411 tell Neli u know me and I'm sure she'll tell you something extremely positive:) to make u smile.

I'm so happy I met you in Pittsburgh. I know everyone thinks you talk a lot - and I'm not denying it:) but you also know how to listen, and I have felt it so often from you, that u actually listen to whatever trivial things I have to say and you Understand what I'm saying. So keep on talking and I promise I will listen to you because you listen to me too:). I hope I'm making a little bit of sense here. I'm about to go home. Everyone has pretty much left work already, the last architect just waltzed out the door, so it's time to leave for me too:).
I've had a quiet name's day today and maybe that is the best. I received greetings from friends that I can see are still aware of me:) and that made me happy. I hope you do make it to DC pretty soon someday with Dan, don't build up his expectations of me, I don't open up to people immediatelly and I don't want him to be dissapointed.
Ok sweetness:) have a nice evening make yourself something nice to eat or maybe Danny boy has made you something good or brought you something good from the restaurant. Can u believe it I have never been to Bee Hive? I hope I make it there someday before he still is the chef there.
OK. Bye bye for now. Oh your sister sent me an email today but there was nothing in it, I'm curious what did she want to tell me:) Funny.
Kisses.BG