sooooo t-i-r-e-d

exhausted is the word...fingers slowly and softly hitting the black key's on the keyboared, the only things still able to function on my body withouth complaining. It isn't my fault, there is just too much work. Like good old school days - the situation smells the same, however I got here not by my fault but by default. This time in real world there is no time to breeth and ponder. Time runs by too quickly with other projects to have had a chance to figure out the best corse of action how to approach the CID package for the hospital project and boom, it was due 2 days ago. I'm given a help today but I have so many questions in my own head I have very limited desire to explain things to anyone else, I wish I could do it all by myself, but there is not time and I don't have a twin. I want to do a good job but it is rather hard with 3 supervisors giving tasks at same tame. I'm not complaining, this is however the best job I've had so far, challenge wise, responsibility wise and co-worker wise, so I'm happy it's just that sometimes like tonight I don't understand how people with families do this kind of job, how do they ever have time for their kids or anyone else. Like the guy in Panama city, he's wife is giving birth tomorrow yet till the last minute today he was mediating between us and the client and I'm sure he'll not be able to get a good-nite sleep tonight anyhow. It is al so hectic sometimes, wish I was sleeping on my pillow already.

just for me:)

...I'm sitting at the computer and wondering over my own silliness. Ok. Let's start out by saying that when I was small when I got angry at someone my reaction was to not speak to them. And the person I was angry with could pretty much see it in my face that I wasn't happy with them.
I don't remember now how long did it usually take for me to resolve the situation or how did it usually end. I'm not sure much has changed in my behavious now...but today I realized the truth of the saying" Time heals all things" for me:) The longer I wait the less anger remains. I think time wipes away the causes of argument and the facial expressions and the cirumstance. And I can feel better each day and realize it isn't a big deal, life keeps going on and arguments come and go and there will never be end to them but it is allright.
Yesterday I also realized that anger does more harm for me than I remember. It sharpens my illness, maybe it has to do something with tension and anxiety that confrontation brings on, but I don't need any of that in my life and neither my head. I want to breeth freely and feel free and be free with myself. Not to be confused with the freedom that I don't have anyways in this society, but inner freedom that I can stil govern.
Head feels so heavy today though, I should get more than 7 hours of sleep tonight. Maybe spring is taking it's toll on my body. Maybe life is taking a toll on my body. Taking a toll, is it like taxing our bodies like car's once we go through the time machine, the more time we have the more of our vigour we have to give up in this life?

sunday nite thoughts

I have a friend who had a boyfriend leave her recently. I talked to her today and she told me she's been crying for days. Yet whenever I spoke with her during the last 2 months she always seemed to be unsatisfied with him and always refered to him in some sort of mean fashion. I even suggested her at some point to leave him if she's got so many dissatisfactions and dislikes with him. Yet now he left her and suddenly she tells me that she always thought what a nice guy he was. How he took all of her "crap" for so long so he must be the one. She spoke of changing for him, trying to contain herself and her "mean" explosions. But she's not mean. I don't understand. I think he just wasn't right for her. U should have to change for anyone. What u are right now is the sum of all your past lessons and experiances. If things are in constant friction between two people that things just aren't right. I know, I know if for example you one day realize you're a total a-hole for somereason and you want to change yourself because of that realization that I think that's admirable, but if another person keeps telling you that you need to change this and that to be better things just aren't right.
I was hoping for changes in my husband for years, I didn't like this and that. I was waiting for him to quit doing this and that, to act a certain way to want certain things, at the end I realized I have no right to ask for these changes. That's who he is and he is beautiful for that reason, it is just that I am not adapting to his behaviors and I can't live with them long term, maybe someone else can and will. It didn't make either of us happy trying and waiting for each of us to change for a long time. It is very painful to part I agree, I still hurt for the closeness of him, because he listened very well and was attentive in many ways. I miss the feeling of concern in his voice, his gentlmenly ways. I never denied that he is a very smart man. And I miss his smartness. I miss the feeling of belonging that marriage gives. But I wasn't happy in all aspects of our relationship and I had to let it go. So I 'm not sure where I've gone with this, I guess I'm sad that my friend feels a loss even though she wasn't happy with him that's what I felt from her.
But she's sad now and I think she might be wrong this time and blaming herself for the end of the relationship. I wish there was no hurt in the breakups but I think that it is good too to learn from the pain and I hope she gets past it fast.

always wanting what u can't have

so ok....having bosted in my last post of too long of a weekend.......currently.......I'm so dying for sleep. Last night I got 7 hours in that felt like 2 when I had to wake up in the morning. The days seem so long. Work is work and takes forever. It is only Wednesday and I have a serious prospect of having to come in again over the weekend. Bye, bye beautiful weekend:) which hasn't even come. I 'm not sure why I'm needing so much sleep lately. People around me sleep far less than me and do just fine, look perky and together but I feel like a big slug.
Tonite is the visitor nite.....BB will have his relatives over...maybe.......hm....oh well. Maybe I'll have a chance for sleep forced out of the living quarters by guests and being forced into the sleeping/work/living place of my own.
I want time to run, run and run. I'm sure I'll be sorry for these words pretty soon but I want to have real spring outside, I want to lay in grass, have summer pass and fall come and maybe start thinking of some sort of grad school for a 1-year away type of future. I really want to crunch more out of my everyday than I've been doing recently. Ok. Officially returning back tot he work zone and trying to wrap things up for the day...

3 day weekend

I think I'm officially exhausted. 3 day weekend. Friday nite felt like Saturday already and Saturday nite I couldn't believe I didn't have to go to work next day. I saw 6 movies almost in a row - 3 Friday nite - 2 Saturday and 2 Today. Let's recount: Edward Scissorhands (Loved), Fantastic 4 (so - so), Itchi the Killer (not so much), The Wedding Date (Loved oh so much), A lot like love (Very Interesting), Sex, Lies and Videotape (Interesting - I had seen it before, but long enough ago to have forgotten the title), and Just Friends (sooooooo cheessssyyyy) please don't rent this one if u've got better things to do. It is fine for a background movie to a task or activity but not enough to just watch it by itself. So I guess that is 7 movies......My eyes were hurting yesterday seriously and most likely from watching the TV. But today I was sort of productive. I put together the shelf and cleaned up my room and clothes and made the room livable in general for the whole next week:). Ok I'm dying here for brownies....will go to the store and get a brownie mix in a minute. What a nice ending to a Sunday:) sweet:):):)

a mess

teeth hurt from wearing the rubber bands, feeling chills in my body just looking at the wind outside the window and the neck is acking, sleepiness in the eyes ...my best remedy right now would be bed...but I'm sitting in the chair at work. This day shall pass too.....right. Listening to Madonna again:) .... although I swear I don't listen to her all the time:):):) I take breaks but always end up with her for some reason. I have a very strong personal preference for a good beat:) he he he. I really want sun, a lot of sun. I want to bask in sun and feel warm while doing nothing, well maybe reading a book or the sorts. I could even read to someone aloud:) whoever can tolerate my latvian accent. Ok must return to work....(rubbing my eyes in discontent and huffing and puffing).

started on a high note!

...morning was so beautiful, the clouds with a little bit of sun peeking through and then finally fully conquerring the sky, the wind, the birds, the life and the morning. But for some reason I've winded down and now I feel totally spent. I know I actually have a valid reason this time...I'm out of my meds. I've been harassing the pharmacy for the past 5 days, lazy bums who claim the doctor never called my prescription in until I finally called the doctor myself and they had never gotten a call from the pharmacy - they claim so ....faulty system I guess. But my eyes are going nuts. I feel the tension rising in my forehead and I was thinking of combining tomorrow trip with maybe visiting the Rx but I feel I need it tonight or I'll be a toast tomorrow for sure. I suppose I'm unvoluntarily addicted. One 10mg pill a day is literally keeping my life together...a scary thought, but a fact. Sad but curious at the same time, what is in this 10mg pill that keeps me functioning and in line and capable of everyday life, because for sure if I skip it for more than a week I feel the doom coming, like what I was 2 years ago, almost bed bound and scared to leave the house, panic attacks and unexplained vertigo cases that made for one miserable life.

So hurrey for modern medicine I guess, cause tonight I'll get my pill hopefully and all will be well again in my world.

must we be doing 1000 things at once?

I feel on days like this that someone has stuck a straw in my head and slowly sucked out all my brain and and stuffed it back in with clay or fluffy white peanuts and they're stuffed so tight that I feel the pressure seeping through the little openings of my hair follicles. What have I done today but ran around doing things except that I will be demanded on Wednesday at my meeting. Can't say no to the multiple request by my supervisor to go and deliver this and that because he has a deadline. And I really gladly do it except my own deadline is stepping on my feet and I can feel the cold breath running up my neck. But I suppose this is the glory of the design field, being in consant motion and running and rushing and pushing and correcting - never ending corrections and replacements and changing of minds. Must find a walnut frame with oil finish with very exact dimmensions by tomorrow and have a model number ready for a framer who doesn't want to do his job or is behind times that it is his responsibility to do the research not me to please the customer. Pooh, where's the customer satisfaction and pleasing when you need it?

the mask ball

Hm...the Mask Ball it was. My friend kindly agreed to be my make-up artist and here I am:) my second time in Netherland's Embassy. The evening was nice althought not nearly enough people had made an attempt to have a mask at all but it's their loss. How many times do we get a chance to "monkey":) around and be someone else for a change. I actually wish we could do this more ofthen. I think it is very refreshing to assume someone else's role. Funky and corky and playful. And I like playful. Thanks pjb for your efforts again.