making myself crazy

...listening probably for the 50st time to a song. Started out happy, then nostalgic, then long-full, then sad, then just listening, listening, listening trying to kill as many sensory nerves as possible to forget why I am listening to this song. I deleted the photograph. Oh why does spring has to bring this type of longing??? One's norm is another persons dismay. One's everyday is another's heaven. One's illussions are another's reality. One's words are another person's bible. The interpretations are endless. Where is my spectrum. Where is my limit and end for all unreasonable expectations. I don't even know what is so unreasonable. Things that to others seem to come smoothly to me seem to not come at all. Things that develop into nice conversations and mutual exploration end in a dead wall. Am I to read the writting on the wall? Well there is no writting to read, that's the sad part. What am I a sucker for? What is it that catches my attention and grabs me so hard I have a need to listen to one totally unintentionally played song and trying to read into it what doesn't exist. I'm building my own sand castle from particles I can't see. And here I am again. Boasting of happiness found, yet suffocating for tenderness that doens't exist in my life. Yes everything else seems to be going swell, things are in their place lining up, spring is here, work is here, friends are here... the much necessary revival of my heart is trapped somewhere in chains and has no intention of coming and finding me.

Stupid loveless fascination - what's the meaning???