I was sitting at my desk at work this morning and for some reason I remembered the cakes that my mom used to bake for me and for other people when I was in Latvia. And I could suddenly smell a slight wiff of the honey cake aroma in my nose. It smelled so sweet even though so faint.
It is kind of nice to be able to recall the smells of different things past and present.
My very first smell memory is of a hospital when I was about 5 years old. I don't remember anything else from that day..... but opening the hospital door and walking up the first steps with my mom and being overwhelmed with the "hospital" smell. I can still recall it. And I think that is my first "smell"memory that I can remember. I like hospitals and the way they smell. Actually hospitals in Latvia smell different than hospitals in America.
I think I had a very nice childhood, nice in a sense of flowers and blooming trees, views, being a clean and loved baby:). Walking a lot and having animals and laughing and running and being given freedom to explore and play. Woods, and bees and being given fresh honey from the hole in the ground by my grandfather. Sitting in the middle of a vegetable bed and seeing my grandfather far in the distance mowing hay in the meadow. Going to pick nuts and mushrooms and berries. Going late at night to the forest and picking up the wild flowers in the middle of the summer and taking in all the smells.
Living with beautiful ferrytales of golden fern flowers that would open only at 12.00 midnight on midsummer night and show me all the hidden riches in the forest. Eating green apples at 3.00 at night after playing endless games with neighbourhood children and cousins under the stars and a lonely maple tree at the bus-stop in the middle of nowhere. Smelling the jasmine bushes at night when the smell is the sweetest and spending nights in the wooden- grandfather- made house with cousins listening to the roaring thunder and lighting and wondering if it will hit the tree right next to the wooden house:)
There were lot of pretty and wonderful and memorable things that contributed to me feeling happy.

sweet cookies

mmmm ... someone at work had the good idea of ordering lunch for everyone today. I'm having a chewy, chewy peanutbutter cookie for desert, tastes sooo good:)
And well, it is gone.
Today I got to work a bit late, but nothing that I can't improve upon. Well if my husband wouldn't continue sleeping while I'm getting ready and then I didn't have to wait on him I would probably do a good job of getting here on time. I don't understand why he needs a ride really, since the metro is 15. min. walk away. But oh well, I guess the final attempt of bonding is taking place, which is not happening for real.
My mind is on other things already, not at all willing to be put back into the barrel with lid shut. I think I'm getting over even the feelings of habit everydayness that has kept me where I am for a long time. It was so hard to confess and once I did it the truth is just flying off of my lips when I'm in need of it at home.

I was wondering what my next relationship will be like. For a second there I thought last week that I would like to be a risk taker and not care about consequences in the relationship. I wouldn't care if I was the only one, if he was the only one etc. But I think I do.
I'm a monogomist deep at heart. Don't know if it is sad, bad or good for me?????!!!! But making out and kissing is about as far as I will go with someone if I'm not the only one, even if I can't guarrantee that the other person will be the only one in my life. Strange.
Maybe I'm just saying it now.
I thought I will take it all the way last week with a certain someone, but I didn't. I couldn't. And once I established that I couldn't I lost some of the attraction for the person. And that's it, the moment was gone. And I'm actually glad.
Well for now just dreaming is the only safehaven again. How lonely for me:) ha ha ha

Feeling relaxed and sleepy

I'm not different from anybody else in the fact that Mondays seem the slowest days for me of the week. But I feel calm today. Yesterday was a day of unexpected leisure. I had all gathered up to face the work on Sunday. but due to 2 dear and jolly friends I gave in and thoroughly enjoyed their company and the day.
The fact that I got to sleep 12 and 13 hours on friday and saturday night didn't hurt either.
My mind is so calm today that nothing seem to really move it one way or the other, no thought seems to be worth stressing over, even thought some sad things are happening in my family and my own personal life. My mom's oldes brother is in the hospital after the operation in which he lost partially one of his lungs due to an infection and the doctor's negligence, that's what my mom is saying and most likely if he gets strong enough to walk he will be forced to stay in the wheel chair.
I'm sad for my mom, because I can't comfort her in the many deaths that have occured in our family past and this year. My grandfather passed away last December and I wasn't there. Her youngest brother passed away 2 months ago and I wan't there and now the oldest brother.

Not that I don't feel sad, but the distance and time I've spent away from "home" have insulated my emotions and feelings and all I can feel is a misfortune and sadness. I can however very well imagine the lonelyness and sorrow that my mother is feeling, being the only one to have to organize the funerals for her relatives. The role of the nurse has put on her also the role of the first person to get to know of the deaths in the family and I suspect this is not going to be the end of it for too long. As I can imagine it is never easy to admitt that about 50% of your family and relatives are plagued by alcoholism, but here it is. It doesn't look so bad for my generation in my extended family but for some reason the older generation had a fall at some point and was never capable of completely giving up the bottle, however sad that doesn't sound.
And since my mom is one from 7 I suspect there will be some more "falls"in the name of alcohol before it is all over.

Oh well, kind of a sad story came from a peaceful beginning, but at least I can write about it.
Half a day gone and half left to do something about the deadline for the wednesday.

Oh yeaaaaahhhh

I've managed to finally get it out of me, the crazy, hurtful all ending words or "love don't live here anymore" and I get to move on with my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So releaved I can't even put it to words. Only the 76 degree temperature and the beauty of this Sunday can describe how wonderful it feels to have my life back and have a prospect of a happier and healthier love life and life in general.
Ok hope all my homies are behind me here and in motherland. I can feel good things are gonna happen:) the beach, the friends and lovely "bistro"breakfasts on lovely bird-song full sundays. Visiting friends in Montreal in the future and being my own boss and dictator for the first time in my life.
Hm, what am I going to do with all this new found freedom:)

Crossroads indeed - that's where I'm at. I'm trying to be nice to certain people in my life, but it seems that the time for nice is going to be soon over, because there are no results. I am avoiding to say directly to the face my emotions and trying to tell them through the works and actions to spare someones emotions, but it isn't working .Unless I plainly tell to the face and sream from the top of my lungs "I DON'T LOVE YOU", I have a feeling nothing else is going to work.
I wrote a pretty honest email about 3 weeks ago, telling all the things that make me unhappy. I finally got a partial response. Don't I think before I write such cruel things???????
If only you knew that I wrote the email to spare you of even worst things I had to say to you. Maybe I'm doing it all wrong!!!!!
Out of the respect for all the years that we've spent together I'm trying to relay the truth of loss of love softly in order not to hurt the person. I'm trying to do it slow to spare the sudden blow of reality. But what I'm seeing is that sparing someone isn't getting over the message.

Oh I can't deal with it anymore.
My body is my temple, and I want to be the only one who decides what is done to it. I don't need noone else telling me "what I want" when I don't want it. I don't need anyone else patronizing me in a relationship in which I should be an equal part or told to what to do. I can't have relationship ever with a person who acts as my father and tells me what I think and do wrong. Who calls me a prostitute for liking high-heal shoes.
Who has backward technices for supposedly an erotic forplay. Who has extinguished the fire in my heart. Who huffs and puffs in order to force me feel sorry for his wound-up stressed out self and give him sexual relaxaton. Who has made me feel like I'm a utencil or a machine for just such a stress-relieving purpose.
I could go on and on, but my better half still would like to have a good memory of the person I've spend together last 6/7 years of my life.

future commute

I explored on mapquest my future commute today to Crystal City. If I were to come from Alexandria it should take only 10 min. by car to get there. I think it should not take much longer than that by metro. So that will be nice.
On the other hand our back yard is getting green again and is looking really nice with big flower pots hanging from the fence and by the doors. It is a nice yard in the summer, I will miss it (just a note to myself). There have been beautiful things that have happened in my life in the past 6 years. I fully understand that my dissatisfation with things is no reason to forget the beautiful moments given to me. But maybe all things look just prettier in the spring, who knows.

up to now

I can't believe it is 5.00p.m. already. And I totally don't want to work today, but I'm at work already, so I hope I can get somethng out of it.
I got up this morning kind of early for me, which is 9.00ish and took my poochie for a long, long walk. It was so nice to walk in the forest, where the trees are so tall and you can still see through because the big leaves haven't come out yet. The ground was still wet and we played fetch with a new found golf ball. I will miss her a lot if I have to give her up. I've wanted a dog for all my life ever since I can remember. I couldn't get it in Latvia, because the apartment was too small. So now that I have her it will be so sad to loose her again. I know partying and taking care of dog doesn't mix, but can't there be exceptions:)???????

So I'm sitting here, staring at a friends picture, which I've made into my desktop background. I think I am easy to influence...

This is what spring looks like to me.
Posted by Hello

My favorite poochie
Posted by Hello

Just me
Posted by Hello

Freckly me
Posted by Hello

sitting in a friends room

well, here I am between a good place and a mess:) feeling good here and dreading the return to my own house. I guess in life you need all things in certain doses. No amount of partying on Friday night will get rid of the reality of the Saturday. So here I am.
The day outside as absolutely wonderful. Tonns of love filled couples I'm sure are in euforia taking in the cherry blossoms at the mall. Maybe I'll get a chance to get there over this weekend. I think I have to go to work today or tomorrow to catch up on some overwhelming amount of work for next week.
let's see what happens....

Puzzled

I have been thinking lately... if I have been spoiled by the American life and the answer is a definite yes, well to a certain extent. I'm actually a little puzzled about myself right now. I think in my home country I used to look at things for what they were...maybe cruel things, ugly things, pure things, but they were there. Here I find it is harder for me to judge what things are or appear to be. I think I don't judge people to judge them, but I know unvilingly my brain is forming an oppinion immediately weather I like it or not.
I know my acceptance for things has grown tremendously, and with it the sense of being surprised has dwindeled, because it is all on TV and it seems that nothing else is surprising. Yet when you go back to the simple things, there are a lot of beautiful and nice things left to wonder about like blooming trees and happy days.

I feel often like a log floating down the river, not really caring where it leads me, but yet I know I judge things that have passed by me on my jurney. I often feel like I have nothing to say and as if my brain has no capacity for storing information or what I observe, but yet once in a while I find myself talking and not being able to stop, the thoughts just pouring out of my brain, most of them haven't even been formulated. Often because they aren't processed I will find myself saying one thing in one sentence without noticing that my own next sentence disputes my first sentence and I don't even agree with my own thoughts. Bizarre. It is as if I'm a vacuume cleaner sucking up words, phrases information not knowing I have it and at moments spitting things out, hoping that they will fit to a certain situation. Sometimes they fit and sometimes they don't.
I wonder through what growth process do I still have to go through to start feeling like I can organize my own thoughts long term.

Feeling good in the "neighborhood":)

Well, what a difference a day can make and a couple of nice emails from old co-workers:)
I got an email yesterday from one of my good co-workers in the company I just left and he said" Actually I never thought that I will miss you but the reality is that I miss you a lot." That kind of cheered me up and then my old boss emailed me and said: "You are welcome back any time." ...so that wasn't so bad at all.
And I had a good talk to my future to be roommate last night and that cheered me up even more. I don't think I will have as many problems with the imigration as I thought I will. Always helps if the other things in life will not be easy for a while.
And I got a CD finally yesterday of "KEANE" and I was able to listen to my favorite song "somewhere only we know" over and over again, so I suspect it will not stay my favorite for too long:)
But the day today was gorgeous, absolutely wonderful. I wish I could spend all day outside, but at least I can see the sun through the window.
So all and all things are cool. I haven't counted my blessings recently but I feel at least that I'm not alone and someone is whatching over me. I can see, I can drive, I can walk and I'm healthy so life is good:)

I hate it here

It always happens in the first weeks whenever I start a new job....I hate it here. It always gets better, but the beginnings I hate. Weired people who's softer and more sensible side I haven't found yet. Weired noises and people ripping scotch tape for 20 minutes to package some stupid stings, is driving me crazy. I guess "crazy" is my choice of word today. I'm very irritable in the first weeks of new work it seems, I don't feel ike home and I haven't found my spot yet. I know people are supposed to be nice, but I haven't found the relly nice people yet, that I can talk with. And my bosses who I know the best are out today, so "auh, auh, auh, here goes the damn scotch tape again.....uhh, I thought I don't care about sounds of anykind and they have no impact on me, I was dead wrong.

Well, I can't as well yell on the human resources woman for tearing the damn scotch tape for ever on my second week.
I can't wait for the third, fourth and fifth week, when maybe I won't be as sensitive anymore.
....horrible sounds...

I'm cold

It just so happens that now I have a window and a view at work, but with it also chills. I can see the sun-lit building across the street, but it doesn't feel so sunny and warm inside.
I was supposed to talk yesterday to my future room-mate about the process of going through the separation, but she didn't call. And she wrote me an email that we will talk tonight. Things are never easy. The countries, the borders, the laws the broken hearts......

On the positive note we still talk at home and it isn't bad. I was thinking yesterday that the only love feelings I've got left is like for a close relative, which is a very strong feeling. But I can't live on the platonic or whatever this family love is. I'm commiting adultry in my dreams everynight, unconsously....and that should say somthing about my state of mind ......that I'm going crazy, plain CRAZY for real love.

Yet another time I'm reminded of beware of what you are wishing for. In my instance it became true and yet after years of living together it's not at all what my heart is wanting for a long term or even present life.
Ok, the lunch is here - company treating us, on the very day that I finally decided to bring in my lunch:)

Things unwanted

Well - sad, sad but today we found out that our work office will be moved to Crystal City, VA. I so wanted to work in DC again, the buzz, the lights, the cars and such, it feels nice to be in the middle of hustle and bustle. And mostly also the location was why I accepted the job. But as usual one is what is promissed and another thing is what is delivered. Why can't employers think of employees and promises before they make big decisions like that. Again I feel like we're just small fish in big pond. So be it..life, life life.
On the bright side, I think I'm getting a office cell phone, not that I use cell phones that offten anyways, just to call my few friends(friend) around Alexandria:)

hey hey hey...

your very first post and i have the honor of trying it out...